


Why Sasuke Hates Logs

by x_Oath_x



Series: Series of Drabbles [6]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Log worship, M/M, b r u h, crack taken both seriously and not seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 19:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 29,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21415213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_Oath_x/pseuds/x_Oath_x
Summary: Ever wondered what would happen if The Log constantly threw a wrench in Sasuke's path of revenge? Well, we shall now explore that theory. And what's this? Why is Naruto bowing to a log?SasuNaru? Possible...Constant Sasuke vs Log? Definitely.
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Series of Drabbles [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/777915
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. First Time: Genin Test Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This is, without a doubt, one of the stupidest stories I've ever written.
> 
> And I ache to write for it again.
> 
> I'm porting this nearly straight from FFN. I'm not changing a thing - the magic needs to remain untainted.
> 
> \--
> 
> Warnings: Um…so far? Occish Sasuke probably…
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

'Sasuke is doing well; in fact, he is closer than the others were,' Hatake Kakashi thought as he easily dodged kick after kick from the Uchiha. The brat wasn't really tiring him. If anything, he was making him slightly irritated that he couldn't read his Icha Icha book. It was practically crying out to him from his kunai holster!

Ah well, he had read the book atleast ten times by now. Now, he had a test to focus on (or atleast TRY to focus on).

'But is he good enough to realize the real test?'

Deciding that enough was enough; he grabbed Sasuke's leg and threw the young Uchiha over his head. The raven recovered from his airborne fall and began to whiz through handseals. Kakashi's eye widened at the handseals and their pattern, 'No! He can't seriously be using that jutsu; Genin aren't supposed to have the chakra amount to pull it off!'

And yet, Sasuke was able to pull it off. A very smart one I should say…

"_Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu _(Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique)!" A smooth stream of fire was released from Sasuke's mouth quickly became giant orb of fire that began to engulfed everything in its path with its smothering heat.

Soon, the embers began to die down to reveal…

A…log?

Kakashi stood, atleast twenty feet away from the spot, his visible eye staring at the spot in confusion as Sasuke looked between the log (which didn't even have a scratch on it) and Kakashi.

"Where'd the log come from?" Was the first thing that came from Sasuke's mouth.

* * *

**With** ** Naruto**

Naruto grumbled as he slowly moved through the trees.

Not only was his but hurting from his new sensei's supposed "ultimate secret jutsu", but he was soaking wet! It was a good thing he practically never got sick. Oh sure, he might sometimes overdose on aspirin, and there was that one accident where an academy sensei switched his drink with antifreeze (which was surprisingly good. However, when he alerted Jii-san of this, he was immediately banned from ever drinking it again), but those didn't make him sick really. More so queasy than anything.

Back to the point, Naruto has never gotten sick from the more common things like a cold or flu, so he wasn't really that worried, only irritated.

Suddenly, his foot caught on something and he tripped onto the unforgiving ground. When he looked back to glare at whatever had tripped him, he noticed that it was something big. A big, leather book with the title being "The Holy Book of Log".

Out of curiosity, he sat in Indian-style and opened it up, absently noticing the faint scent of rice.


	2. First Time: Genin Test Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Um…LogWorshipping!Naruto from now on. Maybe a little OCCish moments?
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

Sasuke's cheeks flushed with embarrassment and irritation. Where the hell did the Log come from? It sure wasn't there when he was aiming at_ Kakashi_ so why is it there now?

'Great, my first time in a Genin test and I pretty much blow all my chances of becoming a genin,' Sasuke thought bitterly as he glared at his supposed 'sensei' who looked he very troubled by the arrival of the Log.

Kakashi looked back and forth between the Log and Sasuke, worried and a little interested n what just happened. He'd heard of this happening before. He just couldn't remember how or why it happens. Maybe a trip to the library or Hokage would fix that?

Suddenly, a the Jounin spied a kick out of the corner of his left eye.

'Oh, looks like intermission is over,' Kakashi ducked it and moved away. When he spotted the sneer on the Uchiha's face, he smiled behind his mask.

"You didn't really think I'd drop my guard that eas-"

"PRAISE THE LOG!"

Kakashi and Sasuke simultaneously looked in the direction of the…rather erratic sound. Bewildered by the sudden sound, Kakashi began to move towards it, with Sasuke at his heels.

When they approached a small clearing surrounded by trees, Kakashi absently noticed that Sakura was already there, looking confused herself of whatever lied ahead but Naruto wasn't. Where could the blond have gotten now?

"PRAISE THE LOG FOR IT BE THY SAVIOR!"

Naruto suddenly burst through the forgery that surrounded him…with a Log in his arms?

"Er…Sensei?" Sakura called out. Kakashi nodded in acknowledgment, ever taking his eyes off the scene before him.

"Why is Naruto-baka petting the Log and calling it his savior?"

Sasuke's eye twitched, but it went by unnoticed.

"I don't know Haruno, and I really DON'T want to know."


	3. First Time: Genin Test Part Three (Final part, thank God)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: OCCish characters, but this is crack so you should expect bullshit like that. Accidental Sakura Bashing. Well…considering this is crack, you should expect some form of bashing even if I don't mean for it to happen.
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

Sakura couldn't help but feel concern for the blond who had mercilessly chased after her heart for so many years that was now deluded into worshipping…a Log. She could understand if he worshipped something like ramen, but a Log? Seriously?

Sasuke was just feeling an abnormal amount of jealousy and hatred towards the Log. But the kid feels hatred over pretty much anything, so it really doesn't matter.

Kakashi just stood there, staring at his now-dead sensei's son. He wasn't completely sure if he should separate the kid from the Log; he'd heard stories of when the kid was young, people tried to take small comforts such as teddy bears and blankets from him and were shipped to the hospital and later the mental hospital.

Everytime, it was due to traumatization and bleeding wounds from claws and teeth. Sure, the kid might've grown from that, but you could never be too careful as a ninja.

Plus, the clock was ticking for the exam, and while he didn't necessarily like the brats (He knew he could get along with Naruto just fine, Sasuke was just emo, and Sakura….yeah), he couldn't help but feel bad that such a distraction was going to possibly kept them from passing.

Naruto…well, Naruto was just petting the Log and whispering sweet nothings to it much to everyone's concern (or anger). Suddenly, his eyes grew wide and he looked up at Kakashi.

"Sensei?" Kakashi nodded slowly.

"C-can you come over here for a second? It's really important," Kakashi didn't know what it was, the cute stutter or the fact Naruto managed to pull off the sweet and innocent look to him, but for some reason, he was by the kid's side in three seconds.

He leaned in front of Naruto, staring into the blond's blue eyes with his one dark brown one.

"What is it, Naruto?" He unconsciously considered taking the log away at that very moment. He had a feeling that it would only lead to disaster in the close future if he didn't do something about it right now. Naruto, possibly ignoring Kakashi's inner struggles, looked to be contemplating a little before opening his mouth.

"I just stole the bells," In the small nano-second that Kakashi was confused by the statement, Naruto had reached for his butt and swiped the bells. So Kakashi had little but no choice but to do the ever-popular double-take at Naruto's hand where the two silver bells hung limply.

"Ho-" Sakura began, but was cut off when one of the bells was thrown at her, hitting her squarely in the forehead before landing in her open hands. Sasuke was more prepared and actually caught the other bell before it had the chance to give a concussion.

The silver-haired man looked between Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke before coming back to the face of Naruto who just stared blankly.

"Did we pass?"

"Er…well…" Kakashi fumbled to find the right words to say to the blond, "Considering that you stole the bells, which was the fake point of the test and then gave them away to your teammates, which represents…_some_ form of teamwork which is the true goal…yeah…you pass…I think."

"WHOO! I'm even closer to being Hokage _and_ strong enough to protect all the Logs out there!" Naruto whooped, having ignored everything else as long as Kakashi said "you pass".

Sakura managed a worried and ditzy-looking smile (she might still be recovering from the hit). She was glad their team passed, but the obsession Naruto had over Logs was getting creepy.

Sasuke (who was mentally smirking at the accomplishment) just looked as confused as Kakashi as they watched Naruto began to bow down to the Log. They blissfully ignored the huge leather book that was hidden under a nearby bush.

Kakashi stood straight, wondering how he was to tell the other Jounin and Hokage how he got played into passing his team by a Log worshipping blond brat.

* * *

**With the Sandaime**

Unbeknownst to Kakashi, the Sandaime Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen, already knew what happened, having wanted and hoped to see if Naruto, who he considered a second grandson, would pass. Unlike Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sakura, he _had_ seen the book.

"I THOUGHT I DESTROYED THAT BOOK AS SOON AS HASHIRAMA-SENSEI DIED. HOW THE HELL IS IT STILL IN ONE PIECE!"

Needless to say, the Sandaime was not at all pleased.


	4. Second Time: Wave Arc Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Language from Naruto and the Sandaime. Just because he converted doesn't mean he doesn't swear, plus, the Sandaime DOES NOT LIKE LOGS.
> 
> _Flashback (it's the same basics as 'Thoughts' and "Speech")_
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

"_What's the distance to the target?"_

"**Five meters. I'm ready anytime."**

"So am I!"

"_**Me too."**_

"_Ok…"_

Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke tensed slightly, ready for the signal from their sensei. After passing their tests, Kakashi has decided to "treat" them to lunch at Ichiraku's (per Naruto's request which everyone obliged, since he was the one helped them pass….somehow).

After Kakashi had mysteriously ate one bowl without removing his mask, he had given a cheerful goodbye –despite the events of earlier that day- and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Needless to say, his students were _not_ amused when they showed up the next day for training.

"_Go!"_

In a flurry, the three genin were on their target; a cat. A very much not de-clawed, irritable cat.

Sakura had caught it first, but seeing that it was in no mood to be returned to its owner, threw it sideways towards Naruto without looking.

Poor Naruto never saw it coming.

"What the-?"

'MEIEEAOWWW!"

"HOLY SHI-OW! WH-OW."

Sakura looked down at her teammate while Sasuke ignored him in favor of telling Kakashi that they had caught the target and that the cat/devil was wearing the red bow that was used to identify it.

He also said that they would wait until the cat and Naruto stopped "playing" before meeting Kakashi up at the Hokage Tower.

* * *

**Three Hours Later (It took two for them to take the cat off of Naruto and another hour to patch the kid up): At the Tower**

It took a while, but they finally arrived at the Tower and were now watching the cat get smothered by its owner, the Daimyo's wife.

"Hehehe, fucking cat," Naruto muttered, taking shameless joy in seeing the cat being tortured. Sakura mentally agreed with him as she had to carry the thing to the Tower as she was part of the reason they were setback. She had the scratches to prove she carried it.

The blond was covered with bandages and was carrying a Log in his arms. Sasuke was glaring at said Log. It had been the bane of his time on Team 7 because Naruto would punch him out for using substitution when they sparred (which was a LOT). And with the Log being the closet one around, it ended up getting the attack (though Naruto always stopped at the last second before swiftly turning around and punching Sasuke).

Plus, the way Naruto held it so gently was so unfair!

"Now, Kakashi's Team 7, your next duty is between these options. Babysitting an elder's grandson, Naruto giving me the book of nonsense (Naruto's glare at the cat was redirected at the Sandaime with more intensity.), shopping in the neighboring village, Naruto giving me the book of complete bull shit, and helping with potato digging. Oh, and Naruto giving me the FUCKING BOOK." The Sandaime finished with a smile as his eyes landed on Naruto. "The Sandaime asked so sweetly."

Naruto's glare seemed to be causing the window behind the Sandaime to melt as the Sandaime said all this. The other people in the room were looking between them, exasperated and at a loss to what they should do.

They've been going at it since Naruto went to visit the Hokage a day after the test and it went a little something like this:

'_I can't _wait _to tell Ji-san about the log!' Naruto opened the door, Book and Log in hand as he did so. "Ohayo, Jii-s-"_

"_NARUTO! GIVE ME THE BOOK!"_

"_HOLY FUCK!"_

While they still had somewhat civilized conversations, it had to be done with someone watching them to make sure they didn't say anything that would set the other off. It was pretty horrible for the random person since nearly every sentence had an underlying message.

"So, how are you today, Naruto?" It looked like Hiruzen was going at it a different way. _Givemethebook._

"Awesome. What about you?" Naruto said through clenched teeth. Team 7 knew he was getting irritated considering he had stopped petting his Log. _Helltothefuckno._

"Great! Konohomaru has been asking about you. He wanted to see if you were willing to play with him and his friends," The Sandaime's eye twitched. _Boi,youwillgivethebook._

"Tell him I could try after I finish the LAMEASS MISSION that you'll most likely give us," The people in the room were feeling rather uncomfortable now. _FucknoBITCH._

"…"

"…Okay, how about this. You give us a cool mission without CATS and I'll give you The Holy Book," Naruto resumed petting his Log. The Sandaime looked to be just about ready to dance, but the others were in confusion as they thought that with Naruto's and Sandaime's stubbornness, it'd take a _long _while before either got what either wanted.

"Really?"

"No-"

"SUNOVA-" Sarutobi was cut off when Iruka threw a mission scroll at him.

"You didn't actually think I'd give you The Book? You underestimate me, Ji-san. Either way, give us a MISSION. Not some half-ass chores these villagers are too lazy to do themselves," The Sandaime glared at Naruto. Naruto glared back.

Sakura was by the back wall, hitting her head against it. Smart girl.

Sasuke glared at the Log, having ignored the entire conversation in favor of attempting to melt the offending piece of wood in the blond's hands. Kakashi was reading a book named, "So you got a student with Log Issues". Iruka was glaring at a Kakashi to do something since he had power over Naruto now (which Iruka would begrudgingly admit to).

Kakashi looked up at Iruka and winked flirtingly at him before returning to his book, causing the chuunin to fume.

Iruka had been rather okay with Naruto's new obsession as long as it didn't get in the way of Naruto's training to which the blond had promised he would try not to do so. Iruka already glared at people who glared at Naruto, imagined what he'd try to do to the Sandaime when he started pestering the blond for the book.

Sarutobi did _not_ liked to be teased. Nor did he like the smug smile on Naruto's face. He instantly whipped out the C-rank mission scroll and looked through it, grumbling. He might as well give the brat a traveling kind of mission; it'd give him the peace of mind he was denied when he realized The Book was still in the village.

"Alright, you get a C-rank mission," The Sandaime finally announced as he looked the mission over.

"Sweet!" Naruto was practically jumping up and down, naming off the possible missions they were given.

"WHAT?" Shoot. He should've known Iruka would've objected. Oh well, the man can be ignored.

"Alright! Mission Request #31 C-rank! Come on in," The Sandaime announced, not paying attention to Iruka sneaking behind him,

There were some footsteps and a little fumbling before Team 7's client came through the door.

"What the super hell is this? They're all just a bunch of super brats. Especially…the shortest one with the super stupid-looking face. Are you really a shinobi?"

. . .

"IN THE NAME OF THE LOG, I WILL KILL YOU."

"YOU BASTARD!"


	5. Second Time: Wave Arc Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Shortness, the word "Super" starting its way of becoming cliché, and crudeness (but only a little)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

Naruto glared at Kakashi and Tazuna. Sakura glared at Naruto. Sasuke glared at the Log. The Log glared at Sasuke (…somehow…) Kakashi and the bridge-builder, Tazuna, were trying to hide behind each other.

Yeah, this little "Hate-you" octagon is quite massive, isn't it? Oh…how it started well...

After Iruka and Naruto tried to murder the Hokage and client respectively…

_~Flashback~_

After Iruka had been restrained by a couple dozen of ANBU, he was tied to his chair by ninja wire. The brunet had seemed quite content with merely glaring at Sarutobi thus far, but that could change in a second.

Meanwhile, Naruto was held back by more…"simpler" means, AKA Kakashi and his traitorous jumpsuit.

"Ow –bam- ow –bam- ow-bam- ow," While pinkie is attempting to become a woodpecker, but failing at it, Sasuke was finally tuning into the conversation. Albeit, confused as to why Iruka was tied to a chair, who the drunk was, why the Hokage looked a complete mess and flinched when Iruka glared at him, or why Naruto was being held back, his face didn't betray it.

Tazuna looked a little confused as well, but his emotions were fully displayed.

"Look super brat, I just expect your super ugly buts to get me from point A to point B. Super kapeesh?" Everyone stared. No one has heard the word 'super' be butchered so much, and they feared it will keep happening to the point of clichéness and after so.

"…I think…" Naruto shifted uncomfortably as Kakashi ruffled his hair in a cheerful manner.

"Well then, let's meet at the gates in an hour or so, ne?" And with that, Kakashi has disappeared to do kami-knows-what.

* * *

**Four Hours Later: At the Village Gates**

"I am going to _kill_ that lazy teacher of ours!" Sakura screeched. Tazuna, Sasuke, Naruto, and Naruto's Log stood a little ways away from the seething pinkette.

"Er…Sakura-chan, I don't think it's worth-"Naruto was cut-off by the sudden POOF and a cloud.

When it dissipated, Kakashi, looking as non-interested and sexy as always raised a hand in greeting, "Yo."

Not even the crickets chirped in the great amount silence there was at that moment.

"…Let's go," Sakura commanded with an even tone, such a contrast to the raging bull of rage that she was just a few seconds ago. Nonetheless, they followed after, not wanting to have the wrath of such a possibly PMSing teen upon them.

On the walk, Naruto attempted to get into a conversation with the bridge-builder in an effort to learn his client better. Kakashi felt proud. Sasuke felt like tearing the Log apart, burning it, and dancing on the ashes. The boi doesn't seem to let go of grudges easily…

Tazuna seemed happy enough to oblige him.

"Yes, I make super-fantastic super bridges! They're so super that you could fight on it when it's only super incomplete and it wouldn't fall apart because that would be unsuper," Tazuna looked down at the log in Naruto's hands, "Hey, if it's not too superly much to ask…"

"What?" Naruto, and anyone who bothered to listen to them, tilted their head to hear better.

"Would you mind if I take your Log-"

Naruto paled and stopped walking,

"-and clean it-"

He gained a little more color and was about to take a step,

"-cut it-"

And now he stared with wide eyes, more pale than before,

"-slice it-"

Kakashi looked up from his book and at Tazuna, silently begging the man not to say anymore,

"-dice it-"

Sauske and Sakura shook their heads,

"-and put it into my bridge?" Tazuna asked. There was a silence for a while.

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD," And once again, Naruto was restrained by Kakashi and his jumpsuit.

"Naruto, what's the point of protecting when all you want to do is kill our client," Kakashi sighed. And to think he thought that Naruto's newfound religion wouldn't get mixed-up in missions. So much for wishful thinking.


	6. Second Time: Wave Arc Part Two Point Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Three chapters put into one, OCCness, perverted Sasuke. Bad fight scene, I hate writing fight scenes since I don't actually read them regardless of the book/anime. Super is officially cliché. I say this with pride. U_U
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets it's own warning)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

After Naruto had been reprimanded on why he should NEVER kill a client (though, Naruto managed to bend the rules to if the person hurts a Log on his watch, he could do so as a Log follower), Team 7, plus the Log-murd-bridge builder were still going strong towards the Wave.

As they were passing a huge clump of leafy trees (that Kakashi had to pry Mister Tree Hugger*coughNarutocough* away from), a serene, undisturbed puddle lay smack-dab in the road.

Kakashi points out puddle some distance away. "Everyone see that puddle?" He asked for the twelfth time.

"We're not _blind_, sensei," Sakura growls. She knew that she wasn't a strong fighter and that she had been lagging around much more lately, but she hadn't gotten stupid over the time and she would LOVE to move on with this mission and get home. Her mom was making pork chops when she did, and for once, she wanted something to eat that was meat.

Kakashi ignores her comment, "So what do we do about it?"

He wasn't testing their stupidity, no, he thought that this would be a good lesson for the Team for when they feel something suspicious is going on. It would do no good if a ninja couldn't look at his or her surroundings without feeling at least a little cautious. He was sure that his team would-

"WOOOOO PUDDLE! WOOOOOO!"

Sasuke, Sakura, and Tazuna could only watch in wonder and bewilderment as he jumped in the puddle like a toddler and their thoughts reflected on it.

'The super hell?'

'...' (Sasuke's eye was twitching slightly, so it doesn't need further explanation)

'What...the hell is Naruto doing?'

Kakashi facepalmed; will they _ever_ get to the Wave? After a while/lots of facepalms, Kakashi signaled for Naruto to get back.

"Naruto, hey Naruto!" Said blond looked back and waved.

"Hi Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi would facepalm if his face didn't already hurt so much.

"Hi bastard!"

Sasuke used Uchiha Glare! Naruto's ability, Obviousness, activated!

The Log took the attack for Naruto! It hardly had any effect!

Sasuke used Scream in Frustration! It wasn't very effective…

Everyone (besides Naruto) used Weirdo Stare on Sasuke! It was super effective!

Sasuke was withdrawn from the battle and put into the Emo Corner!

"Hi Sakura-chan!"

Sakura glared at him.

"Hi Log-Murderer!"

Tazuna was about to speak but he was quickly silenced by a glare from Sakura. Kakashi looked a little put-out from this interaction. The girl has been getting even testier (and he's heard of her temper from that lovely dolphin) after the test.

She might be of some use after all.

Finally, after much calling, Naruto started walking towards them with a goofy smile on his face. It warmed Kakashi's little, giving heart; too bad the scene was ruined by two menacing figures popping up from the puddle Naruto was playing in and-

Wait-_what_?

At the same time, Kakashi and Sasuke raced towards Naruto. "Naruto! Get out of there!"

"Eh?" The blond looked confused before looking behind him and froze where he was. The air around him seemed to get heavier and difficult to breathe in for Naruto. He's felt this horrible feeling plenty of times in the village, but he thought he could escape it, at least on this mission!

Just as the figures was about to slice him in half with a glistening chain that connected them to each other, he was pushed out the way into the waiting arms of Sasuke by Kakashi. Just in time so see Kakashi get sliced into pieces like bread, and... this will not bode well for the kid's mental stability, will it?

Sakura stared at the clumps that were the remains of her late sensei in shock. After all the strength that he had shown and great knowledge he seemed to have hidden deep within the reserves of his mind, his life had ended saving the life of his student.

'What an honorable way to go,' She thought. 'Though, I thought the remains of a sliced Kakashi would be more squishy, not block shaped...'

Sasuke looked very content with the blond in his arms. Let's delve into his mind, shall we?

'Oh yes~, come f-' Never mind, that was a _terrible_ idea. The kid is perverted beyond belief. I don't know if I should be proud to call him a fellow pervert, or annoyed he's thinking this when his sensei just died. Talk about insensitive.

And Naruto...

"...Where'd my Log go?" Naruto stared at his empty hands where his Log last was seen; he didn't know what happened, but a second it was in his hands just as Kakashi was about to die and the next it wasn't.

"One down," The icy tone of one of the assassins broke all three genin out of their thoughts.

"Three brats and a weakling to go," The other finished before they made to charge at Sasuke and Naruto. Thinking quickly, Naruto pulled himself out of Sauske's hold and aimed a kunai at the chain in an effort to break it. Seemingly catching on to what he was trying to do, and in an effort to show that she would fight like the kunoichi she had proclaimed herself to be, Sakura took out a couple shuriken and threw them, as well. All of them hit their target, but wasn't enough, even with one of Sakura's shuriken caught right in the middle of the metal chain. They had pushed the two assassins back a couple feet, however.

It gave time enough for them to dart back to the bridge builder who had climbed up a tree. Unfortunately, with their sensei dead and left with two dangerous ninjas and someone they had to protect, they didn't know what to do.

The best they could do was fight with their lives.

"Guys, what do we do?" Naruto asked as their backs met the coarse bark of the huge tree. He was dealing with the tension in the air better than before, but his mind still couldn't wrap around the disappearance of his Log, the death of Kakashi, and the how Sasuke had caught him.

He could understand that his teammates had his back, and that's what they needed the most right now.

"We could find the weak point of the chain, but we probably shouldn't touch it," Sakura whispered, her emerald eyes focusing on the strange glint the chain held as the assassins laughed at the prospect of playing little with their 'prey' before killing them. They already knew the genin stood little to no chance against them, and since they had no reinforcements on the way, they held no worry over killing them quickly.

"Why so?" Sasuke asked blankly, finally deciding to participate as their lives were on the line.

"Can't you see it? The way the chain has that shine can't be just plain good care of it. It's obvious it's received minimal care if the blood is anything to go by. I think it has poison," Sasuke and Naruto listened tentatively to Sakura's explanation. It made sense and put caution into the boy's minds as they knew that at least one of them had to stay with Tazuna, and that was Sakura since she held little to no strength and endurance compared to her teammates. It was a harsh fact to her, but one she seemed to understand for the time being and will hopefully try to change that when... _if_ they get back to Konoha.

"So what should we do?" Naruto asked.

"I think the kunai and shuriken was the first step. See where mine is right now? Aim for it, it probably got stuck there for a reason," Sakura said, taking out a couple more shuriken, knowing her teammates would follow her example.

"Oh, what's this?" One of the assassins grinned evilly when he noticed the three get into their battle stances.

_"Aim for their legs to try and keep them from getting closer when you can."_Sasuke whispered, barely picked up by the others. He knew they heard it anyway.

"Trying to save themselves?" The other cried out, his voice cackling with hysteric laughter.

_"On three..."_The mental countdown began.

"Let's humor them, brother! It'd make the kill much more sweeter."

_1..._

"Alright," The two began to make their way to the tree.

_2..._

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SUPER HELL YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, BUT JUST SUPER SAVE ME, SUPER BRATS!"

All the ninja stared at Tazuna in disbelief. _Really?_

"For the love of the sweet-sap of the Life-giving Tree, SHUT UP."

And that is how a barrage of kunai was released.

"The fu-?!"

"What the hell?" Unable to get much closer, the Demon Brothers shimmied backwards with squinted eyes.

Sasuke instantly charged at one of the brothers while they were distracted by the onslaught. He slid between his legs, flinching slightly from the roughness of dirt and rock, before standing upright behind him and stabbing him in the back.

Roaring in pain, the man turned on his left heel, surprisingly fast, and swiped his clawed/gloved hand at Sasuke's torso. Before he could make contact, a mudball, thrown with precision by a cheering Sakura, knocked him off balance and away from Sasuke.

"Argh! My eye, my eye!" Hearing the sudden cry, Naruto looked up from his staredown with the other of the brothers. His face brightened; they were getting somewhere!

"Naruto, move!" Sasuke's voice sliced through the air, making Naruto turn back from the brother who was furiously clawing at his eyes with both hands, to the other brother who was definitely _not _distracted.

He managed to duck the first punch, but kicked a few meters from being kneed in the face. The man charged at Naruto only for Sakura to throw a kunai in his path, making him pull back for a second. The second was all Naruto needed to recover and rebound back, aiming a kick at his face with Sasuke waiting for an opportunity to strike. The kick landed and blew the two brothers farther apart.

The horrid screech of dirty, rusting metal clashing against each other caught the attention of Sasuke. They could all see the horizontal line of metal slicked with poison with Sakura's kunai right in the smack middle. The chain was strained, now it only needed that one last attack before it broke completely.

Apparently, Naruto noticed it, too, for he jumped straight down on the kunai. The effect was instantaneous.

First, the chain snapped in uneven pieces, causing for Sasuke to back down and Naruto, who was in the middle of the chaos, to shield is face with his hands, getting scratched by the unclean chains in the process.

Second, both brothers were propelled in opposite directions. One, into the way of a horse-drawn wagon… you can see where that is going without me explaining it…

The other, into a tree.

Third, the Demon Brother who had hit the tree's impact was so strong that a person fell from the tree with the grace of a ninj- hey, isn't that Kakashi? As in, 'I-just-died-saving-my tree-hugger-of-a-student', Kakashi?

Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke stared in amazement for a while before Sakura sighed happily and immediately approached their sensei. Sasuke went back to his aloof attitude now that the danger had passed, if the screams and unconsciousness that belonged to the brothers said anything.

Naruto stared Kakashi. If Kakashi has been in the tree this entire time, then-? He looked back at where he _thought_ he saw his sensei die. All that lay in that spot was lumps of wood. Naruto recognized those lumps of wood as the remains of his Log.

**KILL.**

Kakashi looked up from his admiring student when he felt the killer intent. He was sure his students had taken care of the missing-nin, and in such a promising way! He looked at Sasuke who was poised for attack, but looked unsure as he stared at Naruto who was staring at-

Oh, _shit_.

If Naruto punched Sasuke out for even _daring_ to use the Log, he was going attempt murder for the "death" of his Log. He needed to pacify his student, NOW.

"Er… N-Naruto?" Kakashi cautiously made his way to his student, cursing himself for not sounding confident. But… if Naruto was anything like Minato-sensei or Kushina-chan (Kami forbid, both of them COMBINED) when pissed, he really didn't think pride should be along for the ride. "I'm really sorry. I can help you find another. That's okay, right!? Please tell me that's okay…?"

"I am going to **KILL YOU**." That didn't sound promising.

Tazuna had slipped out of his super tree, slightly concerned about his super "protectors", but had passed it off as a super average shinobi thing. He was on a mission of his own. That Log those superly-uncool ninjas had cut up was still useable, and after living the super harsh life that most people in the super Wave lived, he learned not to waste.

Now he just has to pick them up and put them in his super bag for later use. He bent and down reached out for one of the bigger super blocks.

"You touch the Holy Log and I will **END YOU**."

Maybe he didn't need this wood; after all, it looked super stringy. He needed super strong wood for his bridge of course! Super… strong… wood…

Jeez…

Tazuna prided himself in his super instincts. They helped him keep his super small family safe and got his bridge built a super fair amount with little super disruption until about a couple months ago. Now, they were screaming at him to back away super quickly from the death-glaring, and apparently, psycho, blond super shinobi.

He did so with no hesitation. Team 7 watched (Naruto glared) as their client scooted backwards and stared (or glared) as he quietly climbed back into the tree before clinging to a branch with one hand and sucking his thumb, his brown eyes never leaving Naruto's hair (he was too scared to look directly into the demonic eyes that promised torture).

Wow...

Naruto tried to keep his glare, but it fumbled when grief took over. The Log, oh the Log…

Retribution. He needed retribution.

Everyone (but the Brothers, one possible dead and the other still knocked out) watched as Naruto pulled out a sealing scroll and place it on the ground with care. After watching him perform a few handseals, the seal broke and released… tree saplings and a water pail. 25, to be exact.

He then proceeded to plant one into the earth with tenderness then watering it.

Kakashi summed up what was happening. Naruto was giving respect to the Log he had… er… used…

Guilt washed over the Jounin. If he hadn't used that jutsu, Naruto probably wouldn't hate him. He wanted to help, but he was positive that it was frowned upon to help a Log Worshipper with retribution.

The silver-haired nin looked over his other two students, gauging their reactions. Sasuke was staring at the mutilated Log, no doubt wanting to get rid of the evidence of "murder". Sakura just looked pissed and was staring at her bag with longing; it must be getting about noon by now.

Naruto continued the planting and watering without interruption.

After he was finished, dirt covered his hair and clothing. Mud was caked on his face and his hands as he resealed the now-empty pail.

Naruto then got on his knees. Sakura's eye twitched as she noticed his hands come together in prayer. 'Can please get this with over with? I'm hungry, damn it.'

Naruto ignored her thoughts of doom.

* * *

**Three Hours Later**

"'And the willow sayeth unto the ninja: Wherefore dost I weep? 'Tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. The log ist thine ally, and mine kin. Calling upon the log, is to call upon me. To aid thee in battle, I weep my tear of joy.'

"'And the ninja spoke: Yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. For thine bravery will never be forgotten.'" Naruto recited from the Book of the Log to the saplings, unknowing of the time that passed by. *****

Sakura was just about to kill Naruto.

Six hours.

That's how long time has gone since she last ate and traveling and battling had taken it toll on her stomach. Her mind jumped for joy when Naruto finally stood, but it quickly died down when he walked over to the mutilated Log.

"**Revival Jutsu**." The Log was instantly fixed and looked good as new with no blemishes or scars. Naruto squealed with happiness and began hugging the Log close to him.

The Log hugged him back. No one really knew how, but they feel could it was hugging Naruto.

Tazuna (who had climbed back down and stood next to the Jounin) and Kakashi's jaws were on the floor. Sasuke's eye was twitching and Sakura could feel the angry vein in her head throb.

Did… Naruto just waste three hours of their lives… giving respect to a Log that he could easily revive?

Oh hell no.

"NARUTO-BAKA!"

"Silence, disbeliever-Sakura-chan, for the Holy Log demands respect in its revival!"

"I'LL GIVE YOU DAMN RESPECT AFTER I KICK YOUR ASS." Sakura was just about to pounce on Naruto, kunai in hand when Kakashi held her back, sighing in relief. Maybe now was the time to as for forgiveness?

He opened his mouth.

"Don't talk to me, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto growled, not stopping his hug for anything.

Maybe Naruto needed a few more hours, after all the Log was practically his er…object of… worship?

He really needed his reference book.

Sasuke wasn't pleased. The damn object of his torture was back. He knew he should've burned it when he had the chance. Almost as if it could feel the glare threatening its Holiness, the Log glared back at Sasuke from over Naruto's shoulder.

Somehow.

Kakashi cleared his throat with a cough; they've been here for too long, best to get a move on. "All right guys, let's get going. The Wave is still quite ways away."

Sakura let out an angry screech at the thought of having to walk on an empty stomach. Well, she wasn't going to take this sitting down! A pointed, angered stare was directed at the blond who ignored it.

Sasuke straightened up his posture with his glare still intact and strong against the Log's who seemed smug as it was held close to the blond. Naruto stood, Log in his arms once more, but a glare fastened on Kakashi and Tazuna who were both pretty sure that if Naruto was angry enough, he'd kill them in their sleep without hesitation.

Cautiously (with about seven glares), the group restarted their trek to the Wave.

_~Flashback End~_

Thus, the whole "Hate-Octagon".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *- Excerpt from the Book of Log, Song of Willow, Verses 1-4


	7. Second Time: Wave Arc Part Three (FINALLY)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Uh… language, like always, short chapter, tried to make it at least two paragraphs with five sentences each. Super is officially cliché. I say this with pride. U_U
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets its own warning)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe the "finally" in the title comes from the last chapter being originally 4-5 really short chapters before I combined them.

The "Hate Octagon" was pushed aside when Kakashi managed to verbally corner Tazuna into spilling the truth. While ignoring the 100x 'supers' in the explanation, Team 7 was able to understand that Gatou, an illegal businessman wanted to keep the Wave separate from mainland and was going after Tazuna who dared create a bridge across the sea separating island and land. It made sense, absolute sense (compared to everything else they had to deal with).

The rest of the walk passed in silence, everyone too busy glaring and/or hiding behind someone till they finally came to the shore where they would be taken to the Wave by boat.

This posed a problem as-

"Are you fucking kidding me?! I am NOT getting into a goddamn _wooden_ boat!"

Naruto refused to use anything wood-related.

Kakashi, of course, was too scared of imminent death at the hands of his own student to argue. Who wouldn't after they saw such a cute, Log-crazy little boy turn into malicious, blood-thirsty, Log worshipper?

Frankly, it's not pretty.

"Okay, Naruto. What do you want to do because you have to get to the Wave whether you want to or not…" Kakashi said, unsuccessfully hiding behind a rock that came up to his ankle. Naruto's glare landed on him and he squeaked.

"But only if you want to, of course!" He added quickly.

Naruto just smiled innocently at him. Kakashi shivered; he wasn't sure he liked that smile…

* * *

**30 Minutes Later**

We can see the small, wooden boat silently slicing through the water. Four passengers, the rower, Tazuna, Sakura, and Sasuke all kept their attention on what was _beside _them.

"Wheeeeeeee!" Naruto whoops were the only thing that could be heard for miles of water.

Kakashi had to wonder.

Is there a god that delights in making one of his students a psychotic maniac one minute that threatens bodily harm then makes up for it by being so childishly innocent as he piggy-back rides on his sensei's back the next minute simply because forcing him to ride in the boat his other not-necessarily-normal students have no issues with would end up with his sensei waking up not necessarily in one piece?

If so, Kakashi would like to righteously deliver a rock smash to that god's goods.


	8. Second Time: Wave Arc Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Langauge, super being officially cliche, another word having the potential to be so (I'm so evil! :D), and some SasuNaru fluff. It's to make up the late chapter. :,D
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets its own warning)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is the chapter where I finally found my niche with this story because I personally find it a lot more enjoyable to reread from here on.

They had arrived, _finally_. Kakashi restrained a sigh; to believe having a team was so exhausting. How the frick did Minato-sensei deal with Obito's lame excuses, Rin's girl issues, and his own assholeness?

Oh right. He beat their asses to the ground when they annoyed him too much.

Maybe he should adopt that practice? Thinking about how he has been treated as of late, it was time for Kakashi to slam his foot down on the stupid little brats' faces. It shouldn't be too hard considering his team's uh... "strong" points. (Read: Sasuke being an asshole, Sakura being a fangirl, and Naruto being a log-obsessed brat)

"Kakashi-sensei! You can let me down now, we're away from the ocean." Naruto called out, poking Kakashi's head with a stick (oh, so you won't let us use logs, but _you_ can use sticks?!). Said man blinked before pushing Naruto off his back without giving a second glance. He was satisfied to hear and 'oof' and angry grumbling but no death threats.

Turning to the rest of his awe-struck team and client, he inclined his head to the path leading to the Wave, Nami no Kuni.

"Shall we?"

* * *

Naruto was conflicted. Should he forgive Kakashi or she should he remain angry that his log was used in such a way?

His own forgiving nature and beliefs were clashing dangerously with each other, neither wanted to give in. Until he decided something, he decided to act neutrally. It didn't mean Kakashi was off the hook, oh no. If he slipped even once, he will soon find himself missing a few fingers and toes.

As they walked along the dirt path, silence reigning (for once) over the group, Naruto kept reflecting on everything that had transpired.

Sakura, his old crush... he would say 'old' because she didn't think she would ever give him a chance and disrespected his beliefs more than once. Heck, they weren't really even friends. Their relationship was one between two co-workers at best.

Sasuke is an asshole. That... wasn't all there is to it.

If he had it his way, Naruto would've avoided Sasuke, since his beliefs depicted Uchihas as the devil's voice to sway people away from The Log. That was obviously hard to do since they were on the same team. After a little deliberation, Naruto had decided to keep the contact to a minimal, the only communication needed was when something important had to be relayed. However -

Naruto stole a glance at the Uchiha who was stoically rejecting yet one another of Sakura's date offers.

Something about Sasuke drew Naruto in, whether it be his past or his attitude. Something about the Uchiha made him want to get closer... and..

Naruto wanted to kick himself. What the hell was he thinking? This was Sasuke, for Holy Log's sake! The most popular and 'top-of-the-class' genin, not to mention the heart throb and every girl's (with the occasional boy's, Naruto was sure) wet dream.

And he was... what? The one who flunked who had flunked his graduation three times in a row and _still_ can't make a simple bunshin? The one who had nearly gotten Iruka-sensei, one of the first people in his life to accept him, killed? The pariah of the entire village who had gotten his hitai-ate on sheer _pure luck_!?

The blond fervently shook his head and re-established his hold on The Log he was carrying. He'd really have to get some sort of carrier so he'd be hands free. Either way, thinking in such a way has never helped him before and it wouldn't now. Not with so much on the line - the client who he needs to kill as soon as this mission is over.

* * *

Sasuke was annoyed. Sakura, after her one moment in life that was worth being proud over as of now, was apparently the useless, simpering fangirl he had always seen her to be once again. In fact, if he was to be honest, from the moment they were told only two would go on to be a team (though it was a lie), he had hoped it was Naruto who'd make it with him.

While brilliant in the mind, Sakura didn't put any of it into practice. She also hasn't really been training much at all ever since they 'passed' the exam. The lack of practice and fangirl attitude made her out as this extremely vulnerable lump of graphite in the middle of battlefield. Obviously, that wasn't a good thing.

Naruto had the drive to get better and it was possible that after a while, they would come into a mutual understanding of respect. Though, thanks to whatever crap was written in that book he had found, the blond refused much of any socialization unless forced by Kakashi. While the man seems to be gathering his bearings, Sasuke was sure it wasn't long before Naruto gave Kakashi a reason to fear him again.

Like always, Sasuke blamed it all on that stupid Log.

* * *

"We're almost at the super entrance." -Guess who- whispered. Sasuke nodded, sparing a glance at Naruto who was admiring the wildlife... or maybe just the brown part of it. Kakashi was walking next to the client, engaged in a conversation about medicines in the Wave. Sakura was leeching off of his arm, looking around in a slightly frantic manner.

Sasuke wanted to roll his eyes at her attitude when they all heard some bushes nearby rustle. Sakura shrieked, taking a kunai from her belt and threw it at the bush - with Naruto, who had gone over to physically check it out, in the direct line of fire.

Acting fast, Sasuke dived towards Naruto, effectively pushing the both of them out of the way of the kunai. They fell to the ground on top of each other while the kunai made a soft thud when it hit the wood of the tree. Naruto's Log had flown out of his hands at the sudden shove and was barely saved by Kakashi (apparently, he still unconsciously feared Naruto).

Sasuke ignored Sakura's multiple apologies for almost hitting him, more focused on looking down on Naruto's flushed face. He was staring wide eyed and stammering incoherently before finally squeezing his eyes shut and roughly shoving Sasuke off of him. Sasuke landed beside him with an oof. He glared at the back of his male teammate.

"What the hell, dobe?"

The statement caused Naruto to turn back and glare at Sasuke. "What are you getting pissed at me for? I should be blaming you, asshole!"

Sakura felt a tic mark appear on her head as she swiped her fist at Naruto's head. "Don't call Sasuke an asshole, you idiot!"

She didn't expect for Naruto to bounce back and say, "And how dare you stab a tree! Do you know how many saplings I might have to plant and how many hours I'll have to spend begging the Holy Log for forgiveness!?"

"Er... we-"

"Because I don't since the Holy Book of Log doesn't mention the process of repenting for the harm of full-fledged trees!"

"..."

Meanwhile, Tazuna and Kakashi were examining the spot where Sakura's kunai had landed and were admiring the scared-to-death white bunny beneath.

"This... is a fabulous bunny." Kakashi admired, scratching the creature's left ear.

"A super fabulous bunny with white fur." Tazuna agreed, scratching the other ear.

"White fur is fabulous. You don't see such fabulous all the time."

"No, you super don't." Kakashi tilted his head, not looking at his client nor at his arguing students.

"My hair is silver, that's a shade of white, right? Does that make it fabulous?" After all, it was so sexy with it falling over his face.

"Super no." Okay, he finally understood just why Naruto hated this guy. He was about to say something sarcastic in reply when he suddenly felt the air shift.

"Get down!" He shoved a surprised Tazuna to the ground. Sasuke had immediately called dibs over Naruto while Sakura flopped onto the ground in a heap. The whizzing sound of a large sword past over their heads and made a loud thud when it sunk into a nearby tree.

Already, Kakashi felt bad for the poor man from the chakra signature he felt.

* * *

Momochi Zabuza wasn't entirely sure of the mental stability of the people he was watching. However, he had a job to do and he was going to perform it and collect that damn money. Landing easily on his beloved sword, Kubikiribochou, he turned to address his mark and the team that were supposed to protect him when he was suddenly sent flying by a sudden punch. There was shouting, but he only got the last bit. That bit solidified his belief that the people he was dealing with were insane.

"-ING THE HOLY TREE. THE HOLY LOG IS MY WITNESS TO ME BEATING YOUR ASSCRAP BITCH ASS."

Honestly... who the fuck was he dealing with?


	9. Second Time: Wave Arc Part Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Super being officially cliche, some weirdness, Naruto's mouth, lots of OOCness (this is is crack! Expect it!), a bit of some crazed angst, and maybe some other warnings I'm too lazy to remember/think of.
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets its own warning)
> 
> Cheating (I'm ending this damn arc in three chapters because DANG IT THIS IS LONG)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

_Last time:_

"FABULOUS!"

_We now return you to your regular Holy Log:_

Zabuza was propelled a few meters away from the tree where his beloved sword was still digging into. Taking a few moments to set his jaw back in place, he aimed a glare at the blond brat who had kicked him (surprisingly hard) in the face. The brat didn't look deterred, matching the glare with one of his own, but it wasn't an annoyed one like his own. Oh no. That was just too improbable these days.

It was one that could fucking melt curtains. One that seemed WAY too familiar.

This put off Zabuza for he had a sneaking suspicion of what exactly was going on. He decided to vocalize an inquiry as he slowly edged away from the blond, just in case it was what he thought it was. "Why are you so angry already? I haven't told you wh-"

"FUCKER HURT A TREE."

Zabuza resisted the urge to facepalm. 'Of course...'

Kakashi also had a similar conflict, but his will to not betray any emotion won out.

Sakura had no such qualms against expressing her distaste for the scene as the evidence by the loud 'smack' that resonated throughout the area proved such. 'For the love of...'

"Look kid," Zabuza said, summoning his sword to his side and fastening it onto his neck. "Just let me kill the bridge builder and then let me do whatever I need to make up my... 'wrongdoing'."

Kakashi put down Naruto's Log and moved to get into a battle stance when Naruto began to walk forward, a pleasant smile on his face. Zabuza, believing that the kid wanted to shake on the deal, moved forward to the land and off the water. Team 7 and their client watched in shock as their teammate stop at the edge of the water in front of Zabuza. It was just too bizarre to be real.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, lifting his hands. Way too bizarre.

At the same time, Zabuza lifted up one of his own hands, causing Naruto to stare at it. "So... we have a deal?"

Naruto lifted his eyes to meet Zabuza's as he lifted his own hand. Kakashi moved forward to stop the blond, seeing Zabuza's other hand inch towards his sword. "No! Naruto!"

His hand hesitated right in front of Zabuza's, but the hesitation only lasted for a moment. However, it didn't go towards the missing-nin's hand anymore.

"Hell no." With one swift movement, Naruto had grabbed Zabuza's shirt and yanked the tall man down to his eye level. "Now, Sasuke!"

"_Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu_ (Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique)!" Zabuza was already off balance from the sudden height adjustment, not to mention the shouting in his ear, but the fiery ball of hell along with the growing red tint of the background behind the insane young man before him was not helping.

Naruto shoved past Zabuza in a desperate dash to reach the water with Zabuza right behind him. Unfortunately for Zabuza and his off-balanceness, his foot got caught in the fiery blaze, eliciting a few silenced hisses from the man. Then, the water went still while the fire ball continued to wreck destruction, luckily missing the forest. Sasuke shall live for another day.

Kakashi sighed in relief when the two finally re-surfaced, even if it was with Naruto holding Zabuza in a headlock and shouting odd obscenities. He approached them, hands in his pockets and watched the scene with a small amount of amusement. Looking at such a similar experience that he had from another viewpoint, he now saw why the deity loved torturing him.

The crazed look of fear in Zabuza's eyes was absolutely priceless!

Sasuke let out a soft sigh of relief when Naruto had resurfaced. He really shouldn't have, now that he thought about it. The blond always had a way of coming back... whether you wanted him to or not.

Tazuna stood a little ways behind Sakura, unsure of what to make of the situation. Sakura was in the same boat though with a hella lot more annoyance.

"Fucking assterd! You honestly thought I'd allow such disrespect to the Holy Log fly by so easily!?" Naruto pulled on Zabuza's hair as if he was in some petty catfight over a boy and forcing Zabuza to expose his neck. "WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, BITCHBURN, THAT YOU ARE-!"

He was suddenly cut off when three needles, pointy and shiny, dug themselves in Zabuza's neck. Naruto paused in his tirade to admire their shininess and reached to touch them himself. "Pretty, pretty, shiny, shiny..."

SLAP!

"Eh?" Naruto cried in surprise, not pain, when his hand was slapped away from Zabuza's neck by pale hand. He looked up only to be met with mas with strange markings on it as well as the symbol for Kiri.

"Uh..." Naruto looked at the other, now realizing how awkward it must look for him to ave his legs wrapped around Zabuza's chest with his arms around the man's neck. The other didn't say anything in favor of poking Zabuza's side, causing the apparently-out-of-it man to fall in the direction of the push.

"Timber!"

Kakashi narrowed his eyes when he saw the young man kneel down and place Zabuza's limp body on his back. 'A hunter-nin? But... don't they just mutilate the body right where they are regardless of who's watching?'

Walking quickly, he approached the young man who just jumped back. "I apologize for any trouble Zabuza has caused for you and your team and I thank you and the Holy Log for your aid in me catching him."

With that, the young man vanished in a puff of smoke, along with Zabuza. Kakashi stared in horror at the spot the man was just in. Meanwhile, Naruto had surfaced, coughing as he did. Sakura, Tazuna, Sasuke, and Kakashi all turned to stare, all thinking the same thing.

'Oh kami, not another one...'


	10. Hashirama, the Great Log Sage

Hashirama the Great Log Sage- sowed the seeds of the Great Tree. (This already sounds _real_ promising.)

To anyone that would listen, he would create disbelief.

"Go on, my child see that tree? Worship it and all its leaves!" (Uh, what?)

People all around questioned his sanity, but he just gave them a flippee. (The one-fingered salute?!)

Then, Madara and Hashirama had crossed paths. All Madara had to say-

"Hashirama, we're all scared for you. Don't you think it's going too..."

Madara never finished that sentence, it was not worth the consequence. (Are you sure about that?)

And so the Great Log Sage Hashirama, went down in history! (As crazy.)


	11. Second Time: Wave Arc Part Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Super is officially cliche (I'm still proud of this; also, I went a bit overboard. For the first part of the chapter, every word will look like super), OOCness, Language (I'm making up the strangest swears possible...), and some really quick moving through the plot that I don't care too much about since this story is crack. :D
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets its own warning)
> 
> Darkness... I'm serious, I go into some creepy levels with this chapter. Hopefully... I'll never have to do it again.
> 
> Cheating (I'm ending this damn arc in the next chapter because DANG IT THIS IS LONG/ That and I'm really excited for the next arc!)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

We find Team 7 and Tazuna in Tazuna's house eating dinner that Tsunami had enthusiastically cooked for them.

Huh? What? What happened in the in-between?

Well... we had a log-obsessed brat that had been forced into a wooden boat (this time) and was forced to sit tight as they passed multiple wooden homes on wooden platforms raised above the water.

What do _yo__u_ think happened?

* * *

Now that Tazuna had been fully super educated (Read: traumatized) on what happens when a super Log super Worshiper was forced to not seek a super fiery vengeance against super people who super frankly don't understand what's so super great about this super 'Log', he finds himself super slowly relaxing into his chair. It's been a super while since he's super been home and super he was super enjoying it while he super could, but he did wonder where his su-

"Super Ji-san?"

Super loud groans from the super pink-haired girl resonated throughout the super room. "First the crazy Log worshipers and now another 'super' freak. Is there no such thing as 'one of a kind' anymore...?"

"Well you must be a well-of-a-kind billboard. What kind of wood were you built with?" The super log worshiper mumbled under his super breath. This elicited a strange look from the super unfabulous silver-haired man.

Ignoring her as well as the heated retort by the super Log super Worshiper, his super grandson, Inari, super rushed over to give him a super hug. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the super blond kid eyeing them with a super strange look in his eye. Super what?

"Did you super bring me any super gifts from super Konoha?" Inari asked.

Every 'super' warranted a super groan of frustration from Sakura. Her forehead was lying across the table, having made an imprint earlier with her banging her head against it.

"Well, of super course!" Tazuna gestured to himself with a wide smile. "Me!"

"... Where are the gifts, Ji-san."

Scowling, Tazuna pointed towards his bag that was leaning against the wall, grumbling about ungrateful super brats. Triumphant, Inari rushed over to the bag.

"Spoiled..." Naruto whispered as the boy walked past him. If Inari heard him, he didn't show it.

Kakashi stared at the blond. Naruto has been in strange mood ever since they stepped inside they arrived in Nami no Kuni, what with making all these strange insults - you know what, Naruto was fine. Perfectly fine.

Inari pulled out some strange wrapped object and looked over it, as if analyzing it was to his liking. He nodded once in satisfaction before leaving the room, a glare from Naruto fastened on his back the entire time.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at that. "What are you staring at him for?"

Kakashi noted that Naruto twitched before he turned around, eyes angry. "Why do you care, bitchburn?"

Sakura quickly raised her head up, staring angrily at Naruto. "Don't call him that!" Her face turned into one of confusion a little while later. "What the hell does that mean anyway..." She muttered. Naruto frowned before reaching down into his bag and pulling out a large, worn book that smelled of rice. Everyone leaned forward to look over it, Tsunami even reaching to touch it. Naruto's glare stopped her cold, however. She brought her hand back to her side, smiling sheepishly.

Kakashi immediately recognized it. 'So that's the 'Holy Book of Log', huh? And the Sandaime said he'd pay me 8000 ryo if I steal it and bring it back...'

"Well, according to the Holy Book, 'bitchburn' is a common insult that comes from the time of where the bones of dogs were burned and used as fertilizer for growing saplings." Naruto said, flipping through the pages a little, a little less tense now that he had a familiar object before him.

"So, super why is it a super insult?"

"Because a lot of those dogs were killed for the act of peeing on a tree and they died in the same fire their bones were burned in."

Kakashi put his head in his left hand, knowing very well that everyone else were staring at Naruto in horror and disgust. 'While the reward is high, I don't think I'm quite ready to burn...'

* * *

_Hell's fire!_

_It's fire!_

_It burns and consumes me~_

_It was hell, Sasuke was sure. Hard not to believe so when he was on this reddish stone platform above a vat of boiling lava. Now, Sasuke was sure that he would come ere eventually, but he hasn't... wait. It couldn't be._

_Sasuke looked up at the blood red sky just in time to see... a gigantic, burning log. He scowled greatly as if he was te great Angryon and threw his fist in the air._

_"FUCK YOU LOG!"_

* * *

"FUCK YOU LOG!"

"OH, FUCK YOU TOO, UCHIHA."

"Now, now, children you shouldn't be shouting in the middle of the night. People are trying to sle-"

"Shut up, bitchburn! Uchiha disrespected the Holy Log and must pay!"

"Oh, shut the hell up, Naruto."

"Why don't you?!"

"Hey, guys-"

"SHUT UP, BITCHBURN/KAKASHI/KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

"Are all you super shinobi this loud in the middle of the super night...?"

* * *

Early the next morning, Naruto (in his adorable pajamas) was walking down the hallway. He was kicking a small ball that was the size of the marble that he had found. There was another, much larger one, a wooden one but Naruto decided it would be better used for fertilizer and would need to be set on fire for that to happen. Obviously, no one agreed with this sentiment (well, Uchiha had volunteered to set it on fire, but Naruto didn't trust the other's sanity right now...)

They did, however, scream their heads off when they realized that Naruto had somehow set it on fire by touching it. (With the Uchiha in the corner mumbling about how he wasn't the one he did it... weirdo)

He was passing a wooden door when he heard the smallest of sniffles. He looked at it, noting that it wasn't as tightly closed as it normally would be. Hesitantly, Naruto pushed at the door, happy to not hear the creak doors usually voice.

Once there was enough room to, he peeked in and saw Inari. The boy had his back toward him and was petting something in his hands. It looked to be a picture frame.

* * *

"Alright, team. I think it's about time you learn on the most basic of ninja abilities. Chakra control."

Those were words that promised death.


	12. Itachi's Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was wrong, _this_ is the stupidest thing I've ever written.
> 
> Warnings: Perverted Language

Sasuke was just walking around, he had nothing to look forward to than his own thoughts so why bot-

SLAP.

Sasuke stumbled as the force of _whatever the fuck_ slapped him across his face and making him see stars as he collided to the ground, further jaunting his vision. "The fu-

"You little bitch."

He froze. He knew that voice. It had been gone for a few years, but he would _never forget this voice_.

"Itachi…?"

Lo and behold, there was his older brother, wearing nothing more than underwear made of Pocky. However, silly the image may be, it became intimidating with the fact that Itachi's Sharingan was active and _holy crap it was directed at him_.

"Sasuke, my foolish and horribly _stupid_ little brother. Do you know the lengths I had gone for your pitiful ass?"

He couldn't move. Not out of fear, but rather because Itachi's Pocken's (sticks of Pocky with raven wings) were keeping him rooted to his spot as Itachi came closer… just to slam his bare muddy foot on his face.

"I FUCKING GOT RID OF HIS GAG RELFEX FOR YOU AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE DECENCY TO FUCK HIM?! UNFORGIVABLE."

Then, Itachi's face became contemplative. "Or maybe allow him to fuck you. It really all depends on your personal preference…"

He could only stare from his spot on the forest floor. Sasuke knew his older brother is weird (actually, about 98% of the people in his life were fucking weird if not _insane_), but now the older man could only be identified as crazy.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

This only got him another to kick in the face.

"I'm talking about Naruto, damn it."

"What does he have to do with this…?""

Itachi stared at him. Hard.

"Everything you little asscrap."

"Have you been taking lessons from Deidara on that Holy Curse religion of his?"

Itachi narrowed his eyes. "No. Not the issue at hand. What is the issue is your lack of a sex life."

"I fail to see how that has anything to do with you." Sasuke blanched.

"Quiet! I need to think properly about how we go about this…" Itachi said while pacing back and forth. "I could lure Naruto out by using that Log of his, but the last time I tried that, Kisame was nearly made into sushi. And when I tried that other time, he chased Sasori down and... well, there's a reason wooden puppets are banned from Suna."

"How are you even alive…?" Sasuke mumbled under his breath, letting out a breath in relief when it seemed that Itachi didn't hear. Honestly. his brother could go on forever before he decided a suitable plan (regardless of the topic). It was going to be a long while…


	13. Second Time: Wave Arc Part Seven (LAST PART! WHOOP!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Super is officially cliche, Some SERIOUS OOCness this chapter, Language, SasuNaru (It's mostly just them bonding really), ZabuHaku (IT'S KIND OF HARD NOT TO WRITE THESE TWO AS A PAIRING SINCE THAT'S KIND OF HOW IT IS IN THE ACTUAL STORY).
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets its own warning)
> 
> Cheating (I'm really excited for the next arc!)
> 
> Crack. (I had to make this a warning despite it already being known that this is a crack fic because even I don't know what's going on in this chapter)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

"Kakashi-sensei...?"

"Yes, Sakura?"

"Why did you just give us tape?" Sakura held up the white, sticky roll in her hands. She rolled it around, unsure of what to make of it. Her teammates did the same before looking to their sensei for answers. Kakashi betrayed nothing rather instead pulling out his own book.

"Well, it says right here in the "So You Got a Student With Log Issues" (Sakura and Sasuke turned to Naruto who had managed to get himself stuck to the grass) that when training said student, it's best to use tape as a marker of your progress lieu of kunai to prevent the removal of your head in the middle of the night." He recited, closing the book with an eye smile.

"Huh?! How did you know the punishment for the marking of a tree? Did you convert?!" Naruto cried from the ground. "Hey! Answer me, Kakashi-sensei! Don't ignore me!"

Kakashi ignored him.

"Well... you did say we were climbing up a tree, but wouldn't we need our hands? We can't place tape on a tree while we're climbing..." Sakura asked, feeling skeptic of this entire scene. Kakashi shrugged and put his book away.

"I'm sure you'll figure it-"

"Did you steal the Holy Book!?" Naruto interrupted once again, aiming a scathing glare at his sensei. Kakashi felt the urge to produce a whimsical remark, but he figured it would just worsen the situation. Thinking fast, he looked over at Sasuke who was looking over the scene with little interest and got an idea.

"No, I did not steal your book, Naruto." The blond looked mildly relieved by this. "Sasuke did." Only to look absolutely murderous while Sasuke glared at his sensei with so much anger that Kakashi thought he had pissed off Naruto instead.

_You fucking bumhole, ass of a dick sensei._

_It was either me or you, kid._

_That doesn't mean_ I_ have to take your falls, you dick. That's what Sakura is for!_

Kakashi and Sasuke's mental conversation through glaring at each other was interrupted by Naruto's cry of "UCHIHA!"

Grimacing, Sasuke took off for the tree, barely remembering to concentrate chakra into his feet before he made the first step and was surprised to find himself sticking to the bark with ease. After taking ten more steps upwards, he looked back down to see- HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING SHIT ASS-

Sasuke quickly turned around and ran up the tree much faster than before. He was NEVER looking over his shoulder again. The face he just saw... was a face that would torment him in his nightmares.

On the ground, Sakura and Kakashi looked at up with greatly disturbed faces.

"Sensei... what was-"

"We shall never speak of this again."

"What? But-"

"We. Shall. Never. Speaketh. Of this. Again. Everth."

"Bu-"

"EVERTH."

"...Yes... sensei."

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

"Huhum...hm... huhumehehum... huhum... hm... huhumehehum..." A young boy sat next to a large bed hummed, tending to the wounds of the person in it. He was unfocused on what he was doing, yet he did it perfectly. He hummed once more. Said person, Zabuza, leveled the boy with a glare. Another hum. Another eye twitch.

"... Haku, for the love of-" Haku glared at him. "... the Holy Log." Haku's face instantly brightened. Zabuza scowled like a baby whose toy had just been snatched. "Stop humming that damn hymn. It's not helping."

"It's the hymn that describes the blessings of the healings the Holy Log will give to those the Holy log deems worthy. It certainly _will_ help you."

No the fuck it won't, Zabuza wanted to say, but he already dealt with one homicidal Log-worshipper. He didn't need another one, especially one who was supposed to be his tool.

"Sooner or later, I will convert you, Zabuza-san." Haku quipped, knowing full and well what the older man was thinking about. It was just too predictable after all the years he's known the man. Zabuza scoffed.

"Whatever keeps you happy in that odd brain of yours, brat." A slap resounded throughout the room. "Goddamn it, Haku!"

BAM.

Haku sneered with distaste of the abuse of the wooden door as it bounced back from its violent slam against the concrete wall. Zabuza winced at the expression. He had been very hesitant to sign any sort of contract with Gato, not necessarily because of his thugs (he and Haku could take them easily if needed), but because of his disrespect to nature and how easily Haku snapped when his object of worship was threatened in any manner. They really didn't need every money collector in the entire, too damn large, world coming after them because Haku killed off their biggest source of cash.

Luckily, he had sat Haku down and told him to think of pins sticking out of the man's glinting eyes every time they saw each other. It's worked thus far.

"'Demon of the Mist'. HA! More like baby of the mist!" Gato jeered, a disgruntled scowl on his face as two smirking thugs walked behind him. Haku's sneer deepened. Just as he didn't stand for the Holy Log being insulted, neither could he stand for Zabuza being insulted. The man has done so much for him, between giving him a rabbit to play with to helping him set up his Holy Ceremonies to reading him the Holy Book of Log whenever he was sick to helping him realize the Holiness of the Holy Log and all its bark.

Gato then moved to touch Zabuza. The man obviously didn't value his life.

Haku's fingers wrapped around the short man's neck while his other hand held a glistening pin to his temple. His eyes were narrowed into tiny slits and his KI made everyone but Zabuza freeze with fear.

**"If you so much as even _think_ of touching Zabuza-san, not even the Great Holy Log will save you from my fury."**

Haku then let go of the shivering man only just to grab the scruff of his neck and roughly throw him into one of his goons. He sneered at them as they scrambled to their feet while withholding whimpers and begging for him to let them leave. He tched and turned to face Zabuza, but he kept his senses open in case of a sneak attack.

"Leave us, we will resume our mission when we are able." The men whimpered pitiful words of thanks as they scrambled for the door. Finally, Zabuza and Haku were left alone once again.

"You didn't have to do that, Haku. I have my own means of defending myself." Zabuza's right hand clenched around the kunai he was holding underneath the sheets. Haku gave him a winded smile.

"I don't want you to overstress yourself. Besides, as your weapon, I'm obliged to protect you regardless. A weapon is made to serve their master." Haku said with practiced ease. Zabuza didn't answer and instead closed his eyes and let Haku continue healing him with his herbs.

…

…

…

"Huhum...hm-"

"DAMN IT, HAKU."

SLAP.

* * *

Sasuke doesn't know how he got into this situation.

Kakashi was probably hitting on Tsunami with as much success as a certain mangaka's latest chapters. Inari was probably staring at a picture. Sakura and the idiot bridge builder had left to buy groceries and most likely have the cliché "everything is so much worse than I originally thought" moment.

He had declined the offer to go with the two because he wanted to find a certain book and burn it. Instead, he found Naruto was staring at him expectantly as he held the forbidden book before him while demanding that he tells him a story.

Sasuke _really_ doesn't know how he got into this situation.

However, _I_ do. Flashback time, kiddies!

_Flashback BEGIN_

"… What kind of advice did Sakura give you?"

"Why should I tell you, Uchiha? What's in it for me?"

"… -mumbling-…"

"What was that?"

"… I said I'd… I don't know, tell you a story or some other crap."

"… Really? Any kind of story whenever I want?"

"Sure, yeah, whatever. What did she tell you about this damned exercise?"

"Come closer. Closer, closer, closer, clos- holy crap, I don't need to see your shirt from this close! Okay, that's better."

"So?"

"She said some stupid crap about thinking of a squishy bed and trying not to make ripples by balancing yourself on them but at the same time, it's pushing against you. Your chakra are your socks because they coat your feet. As you walk up, don't think about just sticking to the surface of the bed, but rather think about the next nail color you want on your fingernails."

"… What?"

"I don't know. I think along the way, she got me confused with Ino."

"…"

"Know right? Either way, I told you what she said so now you have to tell me a story whenever I ask you to! And not just once, but whenever I want one!"

_Flashback END_

Yeah, the reasons behind this situation are convoluted as all fuck, but that's honestly Sasuke's fault for making a promise like that.

"So…?" Naruto said while nudging Sasuke with the book. Sasuke scowled and pushed it away.

"I am **not** reading a story from that thing."

"You said you'd tell me any kind of story!"

"Keyword: tell, not read."

Naruto opened his mouth to say something, but Sasuke's loophole was simply too perfect. He couldn't really argue against it. His demeanor started to fall until he noticed Sasuke sitting across from an empty seat in the kitchen. The other was staring back at him irately and with impatience. "Well?"

"Y-you're still going to tell me a story?" Naruto asked in surprise. Sasuke tched and put a hand under his chin while looking away.

"I promised you, didn't I? Now get over here and sit down before I change my mind." It didn't take long for Naruto practically jump into the seat across from Sasuke. He leaned forward, eagerly waiting to hear Sasuke's story.

Sasuke took in a deep breath, "There once was a boy who killed his older brother. The end."

Naruto blinked.

Sasuke blinked.

Naruto blinked again.

Sasuke blinked four times.

"… Y'know, for all the things you're good at, that was a really shit story."

"…"

"Are you going to explain it?"

"…"

"Are you going to continue it?"

"…"

"… Are you going to stop staring at my face anytime soon?"

"… Yes. Just not in the next ten minutes."

"… And everyone thinks _I_ have issues." Naruto grumbled as he got comfortable in his chair and opened his book for an afternoon reading session. "I really hope you get better at this story-telling thing soon because I'm so totally sure there's more. Though, if you don't want to continue that story and make a whole new one up, that's fine with me. Just practice on the whole telling thing."

As Sasuke continued to stare at Naruto, he couldn't help but feel thankful that the other didn't press for more details.

* * *

"Does anyone know where Naruto is?"

"Last time I checked, sensei, he was still out training. But that was last night and I had thought he came in later."

"So the idiot never came in?"

"Apparently not."

"Hn."

"W-well, it shouldn't matter because we're here together right Sasuke-k-"

"Sakura."

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Sasuke's already gone."

* * *

Haku walked away from his fellow worshipper with a content smile- finally, someone who understood the greatness of the Holy Log! Not only that, but it appeared that the blond had taken his words about a "precious person" to heart. Haku was certain that he would grow to be an amazing person well-loved and respected by the person he chose to have beside him if anyone at all.

Haku sighed to himself; it was such a shame that he would eventually have to go against a wonderful someone with such great potential.

As much as he loathed people who disrespected Zabuza or the Holy Log, he loathed killing even more. Alas, it was something both his saviors demanded from him in exchange of his gratitude and Haku was willing to give everything he had for them.

As he continued to walk away, a young man with black hair was casually walking the opposite way towards the blond. When they passed each other, Haku immediately recognized the other and it took every ounce of self-restraint to keep from stabbing the other in the back of his head- Uchiha! The greatest, mortal enemy of the Holy Log and well-known for their fire-jutsu that would scorch and terrorize the lovely miles of trees Hashirama-sama would grow.

He restrained himself. No use in tiring himself out when he and Zabuza could swipe every single last one of the team at once another time.

Instead, he slowed down his footsteps, just enough to where he was still in hearing distance.

"Ow- what the hell was that for, Uchiha?"

"Idiot, what were you doing staying out so late?"

"Training, of course! We have to be ready to fight Disbeliever-Zabuza!"

"Not even going to bother with telling you just how many things are wrong with that statement."

"Hehe, you're just jealous that the Holy Log doesn't shine favorly upon you like all those girls back home."

"Tch, like I care about them. Now c'mon. Breakfast is nearly over."

"Help me up!"

"Hell no."

Haku had to bit back a smile as he shook his head and carried onwards back to the hut he and Zabuza were using to recuperate.

_Precious one, indeed._

* * *

About a week later and Sasuke was over-ridden with a feeling of the lust to kill. He was on his last legs, surrounded by death machines along with their controller, Haku. The floating, ominous slabs of bark practically called him to maim them as they mocked him with their… woodiness.

Can't you hear it?

_C'mon Sasuke! I bet you can't punch through us! Haha, I bet he can't! He's such a weakling, a log can take better care of him than you ever will!_

Yes, my friends.

Sasuke… was experiencing loglust. Either that or he had finally lost it.

Why?

_Literally 30 Seconds Ago_

_Kakashi gritted his teeth as he watched Sasuke slowly get to his feet after another onslaught from the needles Haku's been throwing at him ever since the boy had trapped him within his ice dome._

_He couldn't believe he was doing this, but it was the perfect opportunity to try out this new tactic with Naruto still at Tazuna's house._

_"SASUKE!"_

_The boy blearily looked over to him, making Kakashi's next words even more desperate than he had intended (oh Holy Log, man, how fast did you attach yourself to them?)._

_"PRETEND THAT THE ICE MIRRORS ARE LOGS!"_

Needless to say, it didn't take too much for Sasuke break three out of at least eight ice mirrors in the time I took to explain just how much Sasuke's sanity has deteriorated.

Zabuza and Kakashi had long stopped fighting just to watch Sasuke tear off a piece of ice from the fifth mirror with his teeth. His eyes were blazing red with Sharingan (apparently the amount of hate he has for the Holy Log was enough for him to awaken it within himself again). Haku sat on top of ice dome for safety and was watching the Uchiha with fascination in his eyes (Zabuza cringed as he imagined the thoughts that must be going through the kid's head).

"… Are all your students insane?" Zabuza questioned in awestruck horror. Kakashi shrugged.

"So far, Sakura has been the most normal out of them all. Then again, she has no horrific backstory that had given her a kickstart on this so maybe that's to be expected." Sakura, who could easily overhear all the conversation, felt her left eye twitch.

"I'm right here, you know!"

Zabuza hummed and looked at Kakashi only to notice something sticking out of one of the bags Kakashi had strapped to his waist. "What is that?" He asked while pointing.

Kakashi looked at him and then down at his bag. He pulled the object out, revealing it to be "So You Got a Student With Log Issues". "Oh this? It's my reference guide to dealing with Naruto."

Zabuza scoffed playfully as he reached into one of his bags and pulled out a book named "So You Got a Weapon With Log Issues". "I have one when I'm dealing with Haku, too!"

Kakashi gapsed while holding his book to his chest. He leaned forward with his one visible eye wide open. "Do you know what this means?"

Zabuza copied the movement. "What? What?"

"We're Book Buddies!" Kakashi held his hand up into a high-five which Zabuza totally slapped.

"Woot, Book Buddy!"

"Yeuah!"

Meanwhile, with Sakura who had been left to protect Tazuna, was having a nice time greeting the bridge with her forehead. Tazuna looked between everyone on the bridge and his home, wondering if either would be standing by the end of the day.

* * *

"Okay, let me get this straight…" Naruto said, his head in his left hand while his right hand was grasping tightly to Inari's shirt. They were both fine, having gotten away with little to no scrapes after defeating the two goons Gato had sent to kidnap Tsunami.

What had happened to them?

… Uh…

Let's just say that throwing a Log at people's crotches can guarantee you winning the fight, especially if the Log has somehow managed to learn how to _bite_.

Regardless, the goons were taken care of and Naruto was now comforting Inari. However…

"So… when you were younger, you had this roll of silver duct tape, am I getting this right so far?" Inari nodded, sniffling. "And then you lost it."

Inari nodded again, making Naruto sigh.

"Okay, look kid, I don't know much about tape," He points at the Log that sat at his feet, "But I'm positive that you can just buy another o-"

"But you don't understand, my daddy left us three years ago to buy me another roll, but he never came back. We got a letter three weeks later from Gato saying that rolls of silver duct tape have been banned and my father was killed because he had try to buy one."

Naruto could only stare.

"… Your dad was killed… over a stupid roll of sticky, silver plastic. _Wow_, crime in the Wave has gone downhill…"

"Hey, we all know you've attempted to kill people because they insulted the Holy Log. Don't judge."

* * *

When Naruto arrived at the bridge, he had expected to arrive into a fight. Well…

Sakura was rather unsuccessful with becoming a gopher if that was what she was trying to do with all that headbanging.

He supposed Kakashi and Zabuza were gushing over... books. Wha- nope. He wasn't going to question it.

And Sasuke…

"THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE AND THAT IS **ME**."

Naruto is not even going there.

However, despite Naruto not wanting to be involved with… whatever mess was going on front of him, Haku had spotted him. Naruto wasn't paying attention and everyone else was occupied with themselves to notice if he took the other out (despite their newfound… bookbuddyship) they still had a job to do and it was one that involved knocking out one of their opponents before they made a move, then so be it.

While Haku still had his reservations against killing a fellow Log Worshiper, his hate against Gato and will to get the mission over as quickly as possible won out.

'Though,' as he pulled a needle into his hand, 'Maybe I wouldn't have to kill Naruto…'

He would just need to hit him in the right spot. With that, Haku prepared to jump towards Naruto who was doing a good job of pretending of being a statue. Out of the corner of his eye, Sasuke could see Haku speeding towards Naruto and his rampage was instantly quelled as he stumbled to race over to Naruto.

"Naruto, look out!"

"Eh? Uch-" Naruto didn't finish that statement as blood red onto his face.

* * *

The Sandaime wished he never let Naruto out of the village.

Not only did Konoha now has to fork over at least a million yen to Nami no Kuni to help with repairing the bridge and any destruction to nearby houses and land due to Naruto's release of the Kyuubi's chakra and rampage, but he was also being hounded by Kiri's Mizukage to release Haku and Zabuza into their custody.

As he looked at the giggling pair that consisted of Naruto and Haku as Haku taught Naruto how to sing the hymns of the Holy Log, the old man sighed.

Hiruzen didn't have it in him to explain just why he couldn't do that unless he really wanted to find out what happens when you try to separate Log worshipers from their kin.


	14. Third Time: Chuunin Exam Arc Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: We're going to start this off logically… and then descend into chaos. You know the drill guys. SasuNaru, Zabuza and Haku are alive and in Konoha, Gaara, Language.
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets its own warning)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

_There was nothing for him to look forward to anymore._

_He had no home, he couldn't return to that place._

_He had no parents, his mother killed by his father and he had killed him._

_He was a monstrosity, what kind of person could manipulate ice the way he can? A monster. That's wh- owch!_

_Dark brown eyes looked over to the side to see a worn book that smelled faintly of rice. Where had that come from? He didn't know, but he had kept it anyway. He read it everyday and every night, his eyes swallowing the text with an awkward clumsiness as he tried to remember what the syllables actually meant._

_He supposed he just wanted something to call his own again._

_"Hey kid, what are you doing with such a book?" He looked up from the text, surprised he didn't notice the man until then. His clothes showed signs of him being a ninja, a killer, and he felt himself show no sign of caring. If he died here, would it matter?_

_He had no one._

_"Kid, you're one of them aren't you?" _He knew.

_"… If you're going to kill me, then go ahead and be done with it." Those words tumbled out of his mouth in a gnarled whisper. He rarely used his voice ever since he left his home._

_"Kill you? Why should I? A Kekkai Genkai is a gift that those without one fear. They fear what they cannot control and because of that they hate it. They do everything in their power to exterminate it from existence. I do not believe in this, I believe that those with such a talent should be trained and taught to use their power." The man put his head on his head, his voice drop-dead serious and soft._

_"From this day on, you belong to me, body, soul… and blood!"_

* * *

_"Haku, what's that book you always carry around?" Haku looked up from cleaning his senbon at Zabuza. They were in their home after completing another mission. He had taken to Zabuza's rigorous training very well and each time he looked himself in the mirror, the more he could see a light in them. He had a reason to live._

_"Book?" Zabuza pointed at the large book that lied on Haku's futon. Haku hadn't really thought too much about it since he began training, but he still kept it around because Zabuza had yet to tell him to throw it away._

_"I don't really know, Zabuza-san. I can read a little of what's in it, but I never understood it completely."_

_"You mean you don't know how to read?" Haku looked away, embarrassed and a little downtrodden._

_"I was learning how… but then my mother and father died and I forgot most of what I've learnt."_

_"Hum…" Zabuza grunted. Haku didn't look up from his weapons until suddenly the book was slammed in front of him and Zabuza sat on the opposite side of him._

_"It would be a waste to have an illiterate weapon, so let's get started with this."_

* * *

_"'As the Log takes your place, you become the Log. The Log becomes you. For a moment, you are an extension of the Log's blessing unto ninja.'"*_

_"… Is that book talking about substitution…?"_

_"Yes and it is beautiful, Zabuza-san."_

_"… I'm not sure I really want to comment on this."_

* * *

_"Substi-"_

_"HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO USE THE HOLY LOG IN SUCH A MANNER!"_

_"HAKU, WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL THE FUCKER. WE JUST NEED TO INCAPACITATE HIM."_

* * *

_"… Zabuza."_

_"Mizukage-sama, I did not expect to see yo-"_

_"I'll make this brief, that kid you're training is scaring everyone. I can't put him on missions with anyone but you."_

_"What? Sure he's strong, but Haku is not intimidating. Look at him!"_

_"… Just because I'm currently seeing a picture of a young boy snuggling a bunny does not mean I'm not seeing the picture of a crazy Log worshiper snuggling a bunny… where'd he even get one?"_

_"It was his birthday and he wanted a fabulous bunny."_

_"… Anyway, I refuse to enlist you in any missions if it means that… _monster_ goes with you."_

_"Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, eh Mister Third Tails?"_

* * *

_"Haku we're leaving."_

_"Why? Is it due to the oppression and high amount of deaths the Mizukage has been ordering and now you want to travel around and get stronger so we can come back to Kiri and fix it?"_

_"Uh, actually it's because I indirectly called the Mizukage a monster, but if you want to go with your reason, feel free."_

* * *

_"… Haku. You do not need to bow to every fucking tree we come across."_

_"But-it's only right!"_

_"We're in a fucking forest."_

_"So?"_

_"So stop bowing or we'll be here all day."_

_"The Holy Book of the Log says that the Holy Log demands respect and I wish to do so."_

_"Bow to another tree and I'll show you where I wish I can shove that book up."_

_"Zabuza-san, I will convert you so that one day, we can bow to the Holy Log and its brethren together without complaint!"_

_"…"_

* * *

"And that's the gist of my childhood, Umino-san. Also, thank you very much for inviting me to eat ramen with you." Haku said while bowing his head. Iruka tried to smile pleasantly or say something kind in favor, but frankly all he wanted to do was hang the third Mizukage. And honestly, Kakashi and Zabuza were not much higher than the Mizukage at the moment.

So instead, he settled for nodding while drowning his palpable anger in his ramen.

Naruto and Haku continued talking to each other and Iruka as if people weren't choking on the killer intent that was flooding area behind them.

* * *

Hiruzen wished the world would just burn. He wished trees would burn. He wished those stacks of paperwork was burned. And he wished he was that damn book would burn. It had caused him hell in the past that he was constantly flashbacking over with every second he knew it still existed _not burning to a pile of **ash**_.

"Please explain to me _again_ just how Naruto got two dangerous missing-nin from Kirigakure to peacefully follow him into Konoha?" He asked for the third time, glaring at Kakashi.

Kakashi heaved another sigh before recounting the tale.


	15. Third Time: Chuunin Exam Arc Part Two (Or Backstory Chapter. Whichever you prefer)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: SasuNaru, Zabuza and Haku are alive and in Konoha, maybe there's character bashing but I wanted some characters out the way (I don't hate Tazuna nor do I… well actually with Sakura, I can't even defend myself), language. I will never get over the irony of my excessive use of language in writing when I don't swear that much in reality.
> 
> Super. (I'm not sorry)
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets its own warning)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

The more Naruto stared at the image of Sasuke lying on the ground, unresponsive to the world, the more he wanted to rip out the masked bitch's throat. Sure, Sasuke was an Uchiha and a therefor, an enemy of the Holy Log, but he was also a good training partner, (shit) storyteller, not to mention the only person on this team who he didn't mind being in the same room with for extended periods of time (Kakashi was always teetering between his "Kill" and "Do Not To Kill" lists and Sakura had made it clear that she would prefer him and the Holy Log to be as far from her as possible).

Dare he say it, Sasuke was practically his friend.

A dead friend, at that.

And that masked bitch was a dead masked bitch.

* * *

Haku looked at the still form of the Uchiha with surprise – he hadn't expected him to jump in front of Naruto. Uchihas have an innate burning hatred for the Log and its worshipers after Madara got pissed at Hashirama for ditching him in the middle of an explosive 'battle' to pray to the Log for the tenth time.

While he did notice their playful retorts and insults to each other, he didn't expect them to be this clos-"

"DAMN IT HAKU, WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL THE _NINJA_ \- JUST INCAPACITATE AND KILL THE _BRIDGE-BUILDER_!"

'Honestly, you'd think he would learn after killing the ambassador from the Land of Noodles… and starting the Kiri v Ramen war.' Zabuza thought to himself.

Haku was miffed; he didn't kill the Uchiha! While his senbon could be deadly, he had no aim to kill Naruto/Sasuke with his attack. What it did instead was put the attackee in a dead-like state for fifteen minutes to an hour. The boy would be fine. "But I didn't!"

"He's lying on the ground dead, isn't he?" Zabuza yelled back. An audible gasp from the other side of the bridge was heard.

"Sasuke-kun is dead?!"

**"And so is the masked bitch."**

Haku barely had the time to dodge when clawed hands swiped at his torso. 'What the?'

Looking up, Haku was surprised to see blue eyes had shifted to red. 'Well… that's new.'

Seeing the red chakra floating about Naruto made Kakashi groaned audibly and put his head in his hands. In sympathy, Zabuza laid a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong, Book Buddy?"

"My student is not just an insane Log Worshiper… he's the Kyuubi's jinchuriki." Kakashi muttered. As Kakashi deliberated the best battle plan on how to contain the Kyuubi's chakra, he was unaware of Zabuza's stare of admiration. Hearing those words, Zabuza had to suppress the strong urge.

'J-jinchuriki? As in those vessels with demons? And the _Kyuubi_ of all things?! Just being a Log Worshiper is shit terrible, but having the extra power and healing of a tailed beast to help pull off extremely devastating with extreme negative effects on the user?'

Naruto is going places. And Zabuza was smart enough to know that if he wanted to be in places that actually _survived_ he had better get on the blond's good side. Or just on his side period.

Turning his head, he bemoaned the fact that Haku was barely dodging Naruto's chakra-fueled punches and kicks. He was already tired from his battle with the Uchiha. It was only a matter of time befor-

THWACK!

\- Haku got hit… Well shit.

As Haku's mask dropped to the ground in pieces, Naruto's anger receded in surprise as he recognized the other. "Wait- You!"

Haku smiled sheepishly. "Yeah… me. See, I work for Zabuza because he's my precious person and because he got me a fabulous bunny~."

"…"

"… Well it is!"

"I super approv-"

"No one gives a shit what you have to say!" Sakura yelled at the bridge builder.

Kakashi had never looked so proudly on Sakura (and will probably not do so for a long time). Zabuza just wished this crazy train would end.

Meanwhile, completely ignoring the irrelevant bystanders, Naruto and Haku had sat down and had a nice chat which featured Naruto learning more about the body than he really wanted to. Honestly, Haku had spent way too much time learning about the nerves that can stimulate and paralyze the human body.

"… So he's not dead. Just… 'sleeping'?"

"Yep! He should wake up in two more minutes exactly." He replied cheerfully. Naruto blew out a breath of air before smiling at him.

"That's such a relief! I was worried I'd have to kill the only other person who gets the Holy Log. I mean, Sasuke is someone to kick ass with, but you're the only one I can pull LW combos with!"

The brunet nodded sadly at the sad reality. "It's unfortunate that there's not more of us…"

Sakura balked at the idea of Log Worshipers _multiplying_. Unable to handle it, she promptly fainted and took Tazuna down with her.

"Well, if this isn't disappointing," Everyone turned to the portion of the bridge connected to the land to see a large group of mercenaries all smirking wickedly at them. In front of them was the short and stocky body of Gato. And he was tapping the end of his staff on Sasuke's face. His wooden staff.

"You useless lot only killed one of the little effe-"

**"YOUR ASS IS AN ELECTRIC BILL THAT'S GOING TO BE PAID."***

**"NOT EVEN THE HOLY LOG WILL SAVE YOU."**

Zabuza, Kakashi, and Sasuke (he had woken up just in time to see Naruto with sharp claws and red eyes jump over him and proceed to bite someone's ankle) stood off to the side, watching with awed horror at the trainwreck in front of them. It was almost beautiful… if you forgot the fact that they were doing this all on the reason that Gato had a wooden staff (or in Naruto's case, that Gato had poked an unconscious Sasuke's face with a wooden staff).

"Should… should we stop them?" Zaubza tried to say. "I mean, if Gato dies then all those bankers and thug-"

Kakashi held up his book without even looking at the other. "Chapter 29, section 'Benefits of Being a Log Worshipper's Teacher': 'Any and all damage caused by a Log Worshipper or Log Worshipers' rampage will not be financially charged on anyone in charge of the LW or the LW themselves'. Established 94 years ago when Hashirama-sama shoved a metal chair up an ambassador of the Land of Chopped Tree's ass."

Zabuza had a bright glint in his eye while Sasuke looked at Kakashi in disbelief. "Land of the Chopped Trees?' That can't possibly be a place."

"No, not anymore after Hashirama-sama then proceeded to one-man army the entire land and wipe it off the face of the map with a tree strapped to his back 93 years ago." Zabuza added on as he flipped through his own book to make sure the information as correct.

Sasuke just stood there, not really sure if he really wanted to comment further. It was fully cemented that there no more discussion needed when Zabuza whooped in joy and started _cheering_ Haku and Naruto on.

* * *

Upon hearing the story for the eight time, Hiruzen burst into a fit of uncontrollable sobs. Kakashi stood awkwardly at his village's leader, unsure if now was the right time to tell him that Haku and Naruto wanted to abolish half the buildings in Konoha because they were made of wood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Quote taken from the PRETTY COLORS LeafGreen RainbowLocke on Nuzlocke Challenge Forums (recommended if you want to see muscled Pokemon and photshopped French!Gary)


	16. April Fool's Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why Sasuke Hates Logs April Fool's Special!  
\- Takes Place At An Undetermined Time, SNS Has Finally Settled Their Bullshit and Got Together -

"Shit, Naruto we're in a close-" Sasuke was cut off when Naruto kissed him.

"So? Less people who'll know."

"We're in a _closet_ with _wooden objects_." At this, Naruto groaned and pulled away.

"Hashirama- damn it, stop trying to kill my libido."

"Mine has been dead since we entered here-"

"Fucking-"

* * *

!~Naruto and Sasuke's Piss-Poor Attempt to Have Sex~!

* * *

"Okay, explain to me why you can't have sex in a bed like a normal couple?" Sakura halfheartedly asked. She really didn't think she wanted to know more about her teammates sex life then she already knew from… minor viewings.

Sasuke and Naruto sat opposite of her at the table they had in a outdoor cafe. "Some douche gave us a bed with wooden headboards. Now Naruto refuses to enter the damn room."

Naruto had the dignity to look offended. "Hey! The Holy Book of the Log dictates that Log Worshipers are not to use objects of wooden origin. You can't blame me for following the Holy Log's teachings!"

Sasuke scowl deepened at the mentions of his hated nemesis "That book can burn for all I ca-"

"SO ANYWAY." Sakura interrupted before Naruto and Sasuke would proceed to fight over the one subject that everyone knew they'll never completely agree on. Sighing in relief when her teammates tense postures relaxed and they were once again holding hands like some diddly-doos, she finally gave them some advice.

"Just… go have sex in the woods or some shit."

She groaned when Naruto's expression turned to one of offense again. "HOW COULD I POSSIBLY LIVE WITH MYSELF WITH DIRTYING THE CLEAN WOODS."

"It ain't that clean." A passer-by muttered. Unfortunately, they were not quick enough to dodge Naruto's oncoming tackle. Sakura and Sasuke ignored it, having dealt with Naruto for far too long.

"Okay… Closet?"

"Practically covered in wood."

"Shower?"

"Someone saw fit to sneak in our house and install wooden handrails in the bathrooms."

"For fucks sake, Kakashi. Okay, Kitchen?"

"Have you not SEEN our counters?"

"TMI!" The girl shrieked as she had a mental image of just what might be on her teammates counters. Sasuke rolled his eyes at her.

"They're wooden too, dumbass."

"… Oh."

"I'M SORRRYRYYYY"

** _"YOU WILL BE YOU SUNOVA BITCHBURN."_ **

Then, where do you prepare food?"

"Table."

"… Seriously."

* * *

"… Sasuke."

"Yes?"

"This is our table."

"I can see that."

"We prepare food here."

"Yes. I know."

"… We're not having sex today."

"What- no, fucking fuck-!"

* * *

*-The Day Naruto and Sasuke will Have Sex is Far-Off-*

* * *

The pink-haired medic was having a hard time preventing herself from groaning out loud as Naruto recounted the day before. "Are you serious?"

"It was our table!"

"_You had sex in **my** bed once_. _You can do a fucking table._"

"That was a complete accident though! We were all drunk and I thought we were going up the street, not up the stai…." Naruto trailed off as Sakura's cheeks flushed and her scowl grew deeper. As much of demon he can be when pissed off, Naruto had come to learn that others can be the same if pushed hard enough. Frankly, Naruto wasn't that dumb to keep on.

Luckily, he was saved from an impending explosion when Sasuke returned to their table with tray of food. When Sakura and Naruto looked at him expectantly, he scoffed. "You have legs."

Frowning, Sakura got up from her seat and went inside the café to get her own food. Naruto made to follow her, but Sasuke grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. Naruto's questioning glance was answered when Sasuke placed a small container filled with the café's specialty ramen bowl in front of him.

After several minutes of eating and little comments between each other, Sakura returned with her own plate of food. She looked like she wanted to say something upon seeing Naruto's food, but she instead huffed and ate her own food while muttering about "stupid teammates".

"THERE HE IS." All three of their heads popped up to see the face of the passer-by Naruto had attacked the day before. Three Anbu stood behind the red-faced person covered in bandages. "THAT'S HIM."

Naruto growled audibly at the man who squeaked and hid behind one of the ninja. Another began to mutter incoherently under their breath while the last stammered through a sentence. "Uh, Mister, that is Naruto Uzumaki."

"I DON'T CARE. ARREST HIM!"

"… We can't."

"WHAT."

"He's a Log Worshipper. Anything he feels is a threat to his belief, he can and will attack without worry of punishment. You should know this we hand out ten pamphlets to each person coming in with a picture of Uzumaki along with explaining what to and what not do when talking or in the fifty meter radius Uzumaki has kindly allowed us."

"…" The man's eye twitched. It twitched even more when one of the Anbu walked up to Naruto and the blond made a handseal. A cloud appeared on the table that was blown away to reveal a Log that made the Anbu squeal and promptly hug with a wide smile.

"Thanks for taking care of my Log while I was on my mission, Uzumaki-sama!"

Naruto returned the smile (and ignored Sasuke's glares at the Log). "No problem! May the Holy Log guide you!"

"Same to you! Oh, same to you!"

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?" Both the Anbu and Naruto turned to the passerby while the remaining Anbu took the chance to slowly move away. Sakura shook her head in pity while Sasuke looked bored.

"It's just a stupid piece of-"

** _"DIE!"_ **

** _"HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE HOLY LOG IN SUCH A MANNER!?"_ **

Sasuke and Sakura watched the scene for a couple seconds before turning back to each other with even more bored expressions. You've seen 'em sixty times, you've seen 'em a hundred.

"So…" Sakura began, playing a little with her meat. "Why not just blindfold him?"

The look on Sasuke's eye was one that you would get when you've finally saw the light.

And so, until they finally wooden-proofed the house they shared, Sasuke and Naruto had sex with blindfolds. It was very awkward at first (We will not elaborate on the time Naruto interrupted one such session to pray), but with practice and a lot of research on the layout of their house, it started to get better. It wasn't so bad with their heightened senses thanks to the lack of sight and often turned a time of inconvenience into a time for kinks involving blindfolds, chains, and an interesting use of light.


	17. Gweatherwax's Request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: SasuNaru, Zabuza and Haku are alive and in Konoha, this chapter is rather dialogue heavy at times, and I guess you can say sexual innuendos?, and language. Perversion? Iruka?
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets its own warning)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gweatherwax had asked me on Tumblr to do a chapter with Naruto getting a wooden dildo and his (and the rest of Team 7's) reactions to it. May this be only time this story potentially earns an M rating in terms of sexual themes.

"The hell is this?"

Naruto had woken up this morning in a good mood – he had a wonderful dream of Konohagakure on fire as all the wooden structures this village seemed to love so much were sacrificed to the Great Holy Log. Such a wonderful dream.

However, all dreams must come to an end once morning arrives and Naruto had to force himself out of bed to get ready to meet his team at the bridge. He had learned how to get there so late that he was early in Kakashi's eyes. However, keeping to that schedule meant he had to rush after waking up. After his normal morning routine, Naruto and his Log (now being carried on his back via a baby carrier Iruka bought for him) were ready to face the day!

At least until he tripped over some sort of box that stood innocently in front of his doorway.

Now, he was kneeling above it, poking the offending object with curiosity. It had green wrapping paper and a purple bow on it. His name was scribbled haphazardly on the side. Frankly, it was an ugly box, but it had his name on it so it had to be his ugly box.

Suddenly, Naruto remembered that he had to get to the bridge or else he'd actually be later than Kakashi (not an achievement he liked). Picking it up, Naruto went on to the bridge, not bothering to open it in his haste.

* * *

**At the Bridge**

When Naruto had arrived at the bridge with the box in hand, Sakura was immediately all over him and had unfortunately trapped him in an on-going debate of what could be in the box. Naruto had at first tried to get out of it by reminding Sakura that he looked nothing like Ino and that she needs to get her eyes checked, but his own curiosity kept him in the conversation.

The highly debated box itself had been set on the bridge railing next to Sasuke who was rolling his eyes at his teammates.

'Honestly, just open the damn thing and be done with it.' He thought. However, as Sakura and Naruto wasted five minutes with their stupid talking, Sasuke resigned to doing it himself. Besides, he wasn't going to deny wondering what was in it.

So he did.

And he severely wished he hadn't.

Gingerly closing the lid of the box, Sasuke gently picked up the box and held it over the railing of the bridge to drop it into the river below.

"Sasuke, what are you doing?" The Uchiha's head snapped to the side so fast, you'd think he'd get whiplash. Relief flooded through the boy as he practically shoved the box into a surprised Kakashi's hands.

"Good. You can burn it and Naruto will attempt to kill you for it, but you're of higher skill level so you'll probably survive. So burn it. Now." Sasuke quickly explained to the man, but all he got was a confused stare.

"I don't get it."

Facepalming, Sasuke just pointed at the box. The pointing made Kakashi's eye drop on the innocently wrapped box. He wondered what was inside that it set off Sasuke so much, but pondering about it would do nothing. So he opened it.

"…"

"…"

"... I didn't even know these _existed_."

The Uchiha barely kept himself from rolling his eyes at the flabbergasted glint in his teacher's eyes. "Yeah, yeah , whatever. Burn it all ready."

Blinking, Kakashi looked at Sasuke, even more confused. "Sasuke, you know what this is?"

Disgusted at the thought, Sasuke was quick to hiss, "NO! I just want you to burn it before Naruto goes fucking psycho because it's wooden."

"… This is _Naruto's_?"

"For fucks sake, keep _up_ Kakashi," Sasuke actually did roll his eyes this time. "Yes. It's his. He doesn't know what's in it, but the fact that it's wooden is enough. So fucking _burn it _alre-"

"Hey, what the hell are you doing with my box?!" As one, Kakashi and Sasuke turned to face Naruto who was scowling at them. Sakura had a frown as well, for once on Naruto's side.

"Yeah! We were just about open it and see what's in there."

Both Kakashi and Sasuke flinched at the thought of Naruto's reaction from opening the box and were quick to yell out a startling 'NO!'

Sakura actually took a step back while Naruto looked between the two in bewilderment. "Uh… are the two of you okay?"

"_Perfectly fine._"

"… Then, why are you hiding my box behind your back, sensei?"

"What box, Naruto?" Kakashi asked ignorantly while looking at Naruto with an unblinking stare. Meanwhile, Sasuke had inched over to Sakura to whisper something in her ear. Whatever he told her made her eyes widen and glance between the box and Naruto with a pallid expression. Seeing his two teammates whisper and glance at him like that was starting to weird Naruto out. He figured that whatever was in that box had to be the cause.

"Sensei, can I have my box back?" Naruto had expected one of two things. Either Kakashi would tell him no, or by some miracle, he'd actually give him the box. That's why, when the man to took off in a desperate sprint, it took several moments for the action to process in his mind. And when it did-

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING WITH MY BOX?"

Just like that, Naruto was hot on Kakashi's heels and racing into the central part of the village. Sasuke went after them, if only because he might get the chance to see something wooden burn. Sakura followed soon after because she really had nothing better to do.

Their chase led them all over Konoha. While met with concern and confusion, most of the citizens chalked it off as some sort of speed exercise and went on with their daily life. All except for one particular Chuunin who had spotted the box in Kakashi's hands and was quick to follow the team to the alleyways he had seen them run into.

* * *

Kakashi wasn't sure how much longer he could keep this up. He had initially thought those raging Chuunin were kidding when they told him that Naruto never lets up in a chase, but goddamn the proof was right behind of him that _**Naruto never fucking lets up in a chase**_.

It sure as hell didn't help that the kid was excellent in looking through disguises he tried to use.

Mailman with a box? Found.

Dog with a box? Spotted.

Mother and a baby… box. Nearly got punched out with that one.

He had thought that turning through multiple alleys would trip Naruto up, but it was like the blond was right behind-

"Got you!" There was a tug on his shirt and Kakashi soon found himself eating dirt.

-him.

Well shit.

It took Kakashi a few moments to gain his bearings and lift his head from its place on the ground. His eyes widened when he saw Naruto just about to open the box. "No stop!"

The blond jumped before making eye contact with Kakashi. "Eh? What the hell is with you and everyone else? It's my box so I should be allowed to open it."

"Naruto!" This time it was Sakura's voice as both she and Sasuke arrived at the scene that made him jump. However Naruto had already popped off the lid and his teammates could only stare in horror as he lifted out a wooden dildo out of the box.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Well this is shit. What the hell is this thing?" Naruto's fingers slid all over the wood, trying to figure out what its purpose was. It looked familiar in some way, but Naruto wasn't sure how.

Kakashi thanked every god above that Naruto didn't know what it was as he got up and walked over to Naruto.

"It's not something you would care about," Kakashi said, grabbing the dildo and Naruto's hand at the same time," so if you want me to, I can just use a fire release jutsu and destroy-"

"_**What the fuck are you giving Naruto!?"**_

"Wha-?!" The Jounin's head whipped to the side, but all he ended up seeing was stars as Iruka's punch landed square in his face. The force knocked Kakashi clear across the other side of the alley with little chance of recovery before the devil spawn, wait excuse me, _Iruka_ was upon him.

"Hello everyo- what is Iruka-san doing with Kakashi-san?" Haku had heard the commotion from the street and upon recognizing his friends' voices, he figured he should check it out. However, as he looked at the scene in front of him, he had a vague feeling he should've kept walking.

"Well," Naruto looked over the scene himself before turning back to Haku, "It would appear that Iruka-sensei is riding Kakashi-sensei."

"Eh… really? Like, I'm not counting out Iruka-san's strength, but I figured that since Kakashi is more experienced, Kakashi-san would be on top." Haku tilted his head in wonder while Sakura looked between the two wondering if they even know what they were saying.

"Then again, Iruka-san doesn't seem to be the type let anyone dominate him easily so there's no surprise that he would rule over Kakashi's ass." Haku continued. Sasuke and Naruto shrugged and turned back to the scene just in time to see Kakashi get his ass slapped into the fence.

"…Well anyway. Haku?"

The brunet smiled pleasantly at his fellow Log Worshipper. "Yes?"

"You're older than the rest of us, and well, Kakashi-sensei and Iruka-sensei are busy with… whatever the hell that is, so maybe you know what this wooden thing is." Naruto held up the object so that Haku could get a good look.

Haku blinked owlishly at it. "Well, it appears to be a dildo."

"... I don't get it." The blank stare from Naruto to Haku's face was enough to tell the brunet that this was going to go as well as you'd think it would (AKA, not well at all).

"Well it's… how do I say. Uh…" Haku fumbled for the right words before he just finally gave the bluntest answer he could. "You can stick it up your ass for pleasure."

"EWUA!" Naruto dropped the dildo so fast; you'd thought it had burned him. It made a dull thud when it hit the dirt ground but otherwise seemed unharmed. Its unmarred surface taunted everyone in the alley.

Haku turned his head over his shoulder when he felt Iruka tap his shoulder. He looked at the man who had shown him nothing but kindness since he had entered the village stare at him with a blank face. "Yes?"

"Who exactly told you that about… Ahem, that object?" Iruka pointed a finger at the wooden dildo.

Just then and quite coincidentally, Zabuza's figure could be seen turning around the corner. Smiling, Haku pointed at the man, "Zabuza-san of course. He taught me a lot of things."

Poor Haku had no idea that his vague statement could be taken so wrong. Zabuza had originally taught Haku about sex toys when someone tried to sexually assault Haku in Kiri (and was promptly skewered by Zabuza), that way Haku would know if someone was being friendly or "friendly". Unfortunately, Iruka took the statement as Zabuza being "friendly" with Haku.

The swordsman was finally close to enough to where his voice could be heard. "Hey, Haku, the Sandaime wants to see us about our housing situation."

Zabuza was walking right into his doom…

The man stopped when he felt his foot step on something… fleshy. Looking down, he was alarmed to see Kakashi lying on the ground. "Book Buddy!"

Zabuza is wasting his time…

He made to kneel down next to the other man, but was stopped when Kakashi gripped his ankle with trembling hands. Slowly, Kakashi pulled himself up enough so that his one eye could stare point-blank into Zabuza's. "Run, you fool."

It's too late for Zabuza…

"**You son of a bitch."**

Zabuza barely had the time to look up to meet the face that promised his painful demise. He only had the time for the following thought before Iruka went on to rip him apart with his bare fingers.

'I think I know where Naruto gets his insanity from.'

While that was going on, we turn back to Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and Haku.

"We must destroy it." Naruto stated as he glared at it. Sakura wanted to feel surprised when Haku and Sasuke nodded grimly at the statement, but frankly she's been near these people for far too long that all she felt was exasperation. "The question is how."

"As much as I hate to say it, it's wooden. So it might be susceptible to fire, right?" Haku offered.

Hearing that, Sasuke started to frantically waved his hand in the air and a glint that, quite frankly, scared the hell out of Sakura, appeared in his eyes. "I'll do it! The Uchihas are known for their fire jutsu and they're much hotter and destructive than what you'd be able to do."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"You just want to do it because you hate the Holy Log." Haku deadpanned. Sasuke gave him a nonchalant shrug.

"Yeah, whatever. Can I still burn it?"

"Unfortunately you can't, Sasuke." Iruka's voice made them jump before turning to face the man. A glance behind him showed that another poor soul had been added to Iruka's collection of people who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Upon seeing their looks, Iruka was quick to backtrack. "Don't worry they're still breathing. We have about two hours before they actually have to go to the hospital. Plenty of time to find a way to destroy this…" Iruka gestured to the dildo that lay innocently on the ground as he tried to supply a word for it.

"Hell object?" Naruto supplied. Iruka nodded his approval at the word.

"Yes, hell object."

"Moving on!" Sakura cut in. "Why can't we just burn it?"

Iruka put his hands behind his back, explaining as he walked forwards to get a closer look at the dildo. "This is not just any dildo, but a Ninja 3.0 version Wooden Dildo. It's meant to withstand damage from water, fire, electricity, and idiocy."

Naruto blinked. "Okay, that's uh… nice to know, but… sensei?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you know so much about it?"

At that Iruka heaved a heavy sigh that seemed very reminiscent. "Let me just say that there's a reason why none of you will be subjected to going on a seduction mission until you're a Jounin."

Between the four of them, they shared a look of confusion at the cryptic smile that formed on Iruka's face. Kakashi, from his painful position on the ground snorted. 'You would know since it was your last mission before the Sandaime had to force you to take a teaching job rather than be on the field after _that_ disaster.'

Luckily for him, Iruka can't read minds.

However, unluckily for him, Iruka sneezed at that moment and immediately glared at Kakashi as if sensing it was because of him.

"Well, there has to be a way to destroy it!" Haku shouted. Gathering up his chakra, he sent a simple icicle line from his feet to the dildo. However, instead of cracking into multiple pieces as everyone had expected, the dildo instead bounced between the many icicle peaks with nary a scratch.

When the chakra it took to run the jutsu ran out, the dildo merely fell back to the ground, unharmed.

"… _Are you serious?_" Haku blanched.

"Better add ice-proof to that list." Sakura muttered under her breath. She immediately hid behind Sasuke when Haku growled warningly at her. To Sakura's horror, Sasuke huffed and moved to the side leaving her wide open.

"Don't get me mixed up with your bull."

The girl barely dodged the slew of needles. She looked at Iruka for help, but the man seemed more content with conversing with Naruto to even notice that an ice needle just flew past his ear.

All movement stopped when Naruto snapped his fingers. "Well what if you're wrong Iruka-sensei? I mean, Sasuke just said that his family's fire jutsu is hotter than others so maybe _he_ can destroy it?"

Sasuke practically had stars in his eyes.

"Naruto, you can't set it on fire. It's fireproof and fireproof means _fireproof_." Iruka chided the blond with an exasperated expression.

"Damn it!" Naruto growled before hoisting his foot high in the air. What he did next made the tanned man facepalm and his teammates to wonder if it was too late to call him insane.

"Goddamn it, you can't stomp on it either."

"FOR FUCKS SAKE."

"Uh, Naruto where'd you get that lighter-"

"FORGET THAT, WHY ARE YOU SETTING YOUR FOOT ON FIRE?"

"DIE DILDO."

At this point, Iruka was nearly hyperventilating while flashing through hand signs for a water jutsu, but Haku beat him to it.

"Wha- Haku!?" Naruto turned to his friend with a look of betrayal that Haku returned with a disgruntled glare.

"While I agree the abomination needs to die, I'd rather it wasn't at the cost of your foot." Haku stated as he went on to kick the offending object away and into an alley.

Iruka rubbed at his head, trying to calm the migraine he could feel coming on. "Goddamn, if I knew what that box had inside, I'd never put it in front of your door."

Everyone turned to him in collective surprise.

"Wait, Iruka-sensei, _you _gave me the box?" Naruto looked between the dildo and Iruka, not seeing the connection at all. He was even more confused when the teacher nodded his confirmation.

"Rest assured, I had no idea what was inside. I was on my way to the main office when I passed by the mail room and saw some ninja about to burn it. Of course I made sure they knew better to not burn someone's belongings (Read: I kicked their ass using very sharp kunai) and upon seeing it was for you, I told them to stop burning your stuff (Read: I dangled them above spikes for an hour). Then, I cleaned up the box since it was in total ruins and left it in front of your door." Iruka explained. However, his explanation only made the group frown in confusion.

"Okay, but if all you did was lay it in front of Naruto's door," Sakura began.

"Then, where did it come from before?" Naruto continued.

"And who is the person who sent it you?" Sasuke ended.

* * *

**Meanwhile…**

**Somewhere A Little Ways Off From the Land of Noodles**

A man with long white hair pulled behind in messy ponytail and traveling clothes looked at the small pile of objects he carried with him. He had to carry light with his hermit lifestyle, but for some reason, it's been too light. After a couple minutes of sifting through his belongings, he came across a small festive looking box with pastel blue and orange polka dotted wrapping paper and an orange ribbon. It looked very similar to the gift boxes he'd make for his godson and send to Konoha for special occasions and birthdays.

In fact, he had sent one a while ago upon hearing the brat had succeeded in his first mission. The very same box that was in front of him. So how the flying fuck was it still here?

Suddenly, the man's eyes widened and he looked around for his own box, his _personal _box. A box that was of similar size and shape to his godson's present and was currently missing.

"Oh shit."

* * *

**Back With Our Main Stars**

Sakura eyed the rolling dildo warily as everyone else deliberated on its origins. After Haku had kicked it, it hadn't stopped rolling away. For some reason, the farther away it rolled, the more the pit in her stomach dropped. As if she didn't stop it right now, her life would become even more of a headache. The girl didn't know how that was possible, but anything to prevent it, she would do.

"Hey guys...?" Everyone turned to the girl who pointed at the object of their hatred. "As fun as this conversation is, shouldn't we stop it from rolling too far when we're trying to destroy it?"

All eyes turned to the direction that was pointed before four pairs of feet followed shortly after, shouting obscene statements and death threats at the dildo. Only three remained of the group, those three being Iruka, Kakashi, and Zabuza because they don't much of a role outside of what the already accomplished in this chapter.

"If we let it get away, it might tell its brethren and continue to make more of itself!"

"Haku, that makes no se-"

"Holy fuck, you don't think it would do that, right?!"

"_WOULD?_ It's not alive!"

"It was once, Uchiha! That's all that matters."

"… _It's dead now!?"_

The group turned a corner just in time to see-

CRACK!

The pit in Sakura's stomach had fell so far down in such a short amount of time that she felt like vomiting now.


	18. Third Time: Chunin Exam Arc Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: SasuNaru, Zabuza and Haku are alive and in Konoha, Gaara, and me fucking up the Chuunin Exams.
> 
> I'm also very sorry.
> 
> The Log. (Yeah, the Log gets its own warning)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

Naruto and Haku's expressions were _way _too happy for Sakura's comfort.

The blond jumped into one of the boys face, the one with dark red hair and pale green eyes and was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. "How did you do that!?"

Haku joined his side with the same question, having kicked away the abomination. Sasuke shared their excitement and curiosity, all though for slightly… "different" reasons. I almost don't want to dive into his head for fear of something crazy, but let's go ahead with it.

'My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I like burning wood and I hate Logs. While I have a higher goal of avenging my clan, I also have the goal to eradicate all Logs from this god-forsaken land.'

… You do that Sasuke. You do that.

Meanwhile, Gaara and his siblings (Temari and Kankuro) were staring confusedly at the Log Worshippers before them.

"Why are you so happy about it?" Gaara inquired. He would've raised an eyebrow as he did so… _if he had any_.

Naruto explained this one. "Because Iruka-sensei said it was waterproof, fireproof, electricproof, footproof ("'Footproof?'" Kankuro whispered into Temari's ear, who just shrugged), iceproof, and idiot proof ("Okay, now that makes sense."). We've been trying to destroy it for the past thirty minutes and then you come along and destroy it in one!" Naruto held up his left pointer finger.

Haku nodded, "So yeah. How'd you do that?"

Figuring it couldn't be too much of a hassle, Gaara raised a hand. Team 7+Haku's eyes widened when sand followed the movement.

"No way – you can control _sand_?" Sakura gaped in disbelief.

Haku was elated. Another person with the ability to use mixed releases! "Oh my Holy Log, this so cool!"

Gaara was staring at them before, befundled by their amazement at his sand. However, upon hearing Haku's exclamation, his entire body froze. "Did you just say… 'Holy Log'?"

Haku blinked. "Uh yeah?" He gestured to at Naruto. "We're both disciples of the Holy Log."

"Why do you want to know?" Naruto asked, taking a defensive stance. The Holy Log didn't have many enemies (mostly because people found it too ludicrous to take seriously), but the few it had were powerful and not to be taken lightly (they let Sasuke slide because Sasuke tended to act more as a friend than enemy).

Thy held their breath as Gaara reached into one of his pockets and held out… a sugar Cookie wrapped delicately in plastic.

. . .

"Oh my Holy Log, the Celestial Cookie." Naruto gaped admiringly at both the cookie and Gaara. There was a small hint of happiness in Gaara's eye, but it could also be hunger. Can't really tell. If Haku was happy before, he was positively elated now.

"Yes! A Log Worshipper and a Celestial Cookie Worshipper!"

Sakura stared at the three in horror. "_How the flying hell are there people who worship __**cookies**__?! It's fucking backed dough!"_

She didn't stop her tirade until Kankuro wisely took both her and Sasuke aside to explain (Naruto, Haku, and Gaara were too busy gushing to give a shit about what a disbeliever said at the moment).

"See, some 50-75 years ago, our drunk ass Shodaime was having milk and cookies. He was too drunk to notice an assassin from the Land of Milk and Biscuits enter and posing a kunai above his head when the bitch tripped and a cookie fell off the table. It was enough for the Shodaime to notice the assassin and kick them out of his house. The next several years, he kept repeating over and over how the cookie gods from above were looking after him and had saved him at the right time. He became the first person to follow the Celestial Cookie religion. To be honest, it wasn't as popular then as it is now and that's only because Gaara found the Shodaime's old texts, converted, and proceeded to turn the religion into a cult that dominates most of the Land of Wind."

"… Okay, but that doesn't really explain why Naruto, Haku, and that other guy are being so friendly." Sasuke pointed at the still gushing trio. Kankuro shrugged.

"Don't know too much about it since I don't take that shit seriously like Gaara. All I know is that one day, the Shodaimes of both Konoha and Suna got together to defeat the Land of Chopped Trees and Land of Milk and Biscu-"

"THE GLORIOUS VICTORY OF THE HOLY LOG AND CELESTIAL COOKIE!" Haku's suddenly loud voice made them all jump. He didn't seem to notice, far too busy explaining the event in the most dramatic way possible. "It was a horrible time! The LoCT and LoM&B had captured countless innocent Logs and Cookies alike and tortured them!"

Gaara nodded sadly with Haku. "So many Cookies… ginger snaps, chocolate chips, double fudge, and the Celestial Cookie's greatest allies, the Logs, were forced into harsh labor."

"… _HOW? COOKIES AND LOGS CAN'T MO-" _Sasuke wisely took this time to stuff a rock in Sakura's mouth.

"But then! The great Hashirama-sama and Reto-sama joined forces! While Hashirama-sama held off the enemy with his large gaping forests of sheer beauty, Reto-sama freed the captive Logs and Cookies!" … Is this bitch crying.

"Long live the Holy Log and Celestial Cookie!" The three cried in unison.

Sakura finally got the rock out of her mouth when her jaw dropped to gape at the three worshipers. Sasuke and Kankuro couldn't blame her because they shared the exact same expression.

"… They're fucking _insane_."

* * *

**~Omake~**

Yo, Temari! Why didn't you get a line? I'm pretty sure I wrote a sentence for you in the original chapter plot.

"Well, since my only purpose is to be shipping fodder in the end, I figure it'd lessen the hype from my fans of my independence and strength by doing shit nothing besides the minimum required to move the plot along."

… But I'm not planning for you to be with anyo-

"Shipping fodder. That's me."

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sugar Cookies - Represents the Celestial Cookie/The way CC worshipers extend a hand of friendship or peace.
> 
> PS: Reto is really the first Kazekage's name. I should know. I made it up. (no it's legit)
> 
> PPS: Gaara is essentially the leader of a large ass cult/gang.


	19. Third Time: Chunin Exam Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: SasuNaru, Zabuza and Haku are alive and in Konoha, Gaara. Fucking up this arc is too much fun because there's so many plot points in canon that I can mess with my own insanity.
> 
> The Log.
> 
> The Cookie. (I'm not sorry.)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."
> 
> Dedicated to Quinn1989 (from FFN) because I think I subconsciously wrote this while thinking about their review

After having lunch together and helping Gaara and his siblings register for the Chuunin Exams that they would all be taking the next day, the group broke to go do their own little activities.

Haku had to visit Zabuza in the hospital for his input on what to put in their new apartment. Sakura had to go home and eat some meat. Sasuke wanted to go off to the woods in the middle of the night to brood on the best way to accomplish his goals. Temari and Kankuro had decided to call it a day and sleep because of the long journey it took to get from Suna to Konoha.

All that was left was Gaara and Naruto. Naruto had decided that since Gaara was an ally and a friend, it would do no harm to show him the view from on top of the Hokage Mountain. That's where we find our favorite little weirdos, talking casually as they took in the village at night.

"Naruto."

"Yeah?"

"… How precious is Konoha to you?" Gaara's question made Naruto stop short. A few moments later, Naruto finally gave him a tangled answer.

"Well, I have so many friends here (Read: Sasuke, Haku, and Sakura) and my apartment is nice (Read: Had to frequently ask for the Sandaime to go shopping with him until he eventually managed to shop on his own without being intimidated out) and the people here are really nice (Read: to everyone else that wasn't him) ..."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Fuck this, this place is a shithole."

* * *

**Next Day**

**Chuunin Exams Part 1**

"Wait, Uzumaki stop!" The members of Team 7 turned behind them to see two of the proctors running to them with one holding a black cloth in his hand. Once he reached them, he proceeds to blindfold Naruto.

"Wha-? The hell you doing?!" Naruto swiped at the proctor's hands. Sakura pretended she didn't hear the man whimper.

"Well, you see, U-Uzumaki-san. Uh, well… the building you're taking the first part in has been remodeled! Yes, remodeled to uh, metal!" He looked at his partner with pleading eyes.

Said partner grimaced as he tried to pick up where the other left off. "Uh right. And we know how much you and the Hell Lo-"

"**Holy Log, dipshit."**

"HOLY LOG. YEAH. HOLY AS ALL FUCK." The proctor who had been tying the blindfold retreated at least ten meters away as soon as he was done. Sakura had to keep herself from facepalming at the cowering man.

"… Well, that sounds really cool! I'd love to actually see it." Naruto went to tug the blindfold off, but was stopped when the remaining proctor slapped his hand away with wide eyes.

"NO- I mean! We understand you'd like to do that, but uh… your eyes are too sensitive! The blindfold will help with keeping your eyes safe."

"Oh… then, Sasuke and Sakura have blindfolds, too?"

Sasuke could barely keep himself from snorting at the obvious lies from the two men. "Of course we don't, dobe. The-"

"THE METAL ONLY HURTS THOSE WITH BLUE EYES." Everyone in the hallway turned to look at the cause of the commotion. The proctor proceeded to smile weakly before slinking behind Sasuke as Naruto let out a doubtful 'okay'.

"Uchiha-san?"

Sasuke grit his teeth to prevent himself from punching the idiot man off his shoulder and away from his ear.

"_What?"_

"Please, please, please, _please _keep Uzumaki-san from taking off the blindfold. He'll destroy the entire building if you don't! You're one of the few he'll listen to!"

This time, Sasuke does snort. "Look moron. If Naruto decides to raise hell just because something is made of wood, I'm going to be the first one to volunteer my entire range of attacks."

This time, Sakura let her head hit the wall as the two proctors began sobbing into their hands. Naruto, oblivious to the circumstance, smiled brightly at them (or at least in the direction of their crying), mistaking their weeping of woe for cries of joy.

"Don't worry guys! With as much progress as we're making, the Holy Log will smile kindly at us for converting every building in Konoha to metal!"

The two men sobbed harder.

* * *

'Well… this is difficult.' Naruto stared into the blackity blackness of his blindfold, unsure of what to do. It was rather inconvenient to be blindfolded during a written test. However in the name of the Holy Log, he will somehow pass it!

Even though he had no clue what the hell the questions are, what kind of answers they'd require or even if what he was holding was a pen or mechanical pencil.

Everyone in the room had thought it odd for someone to walk in blindfolded. They had originally thought it was because he was blind (that idea was promptly tossed when Naruto tripped over a desk and fell to the front of the classroom).

However, no one found it odder than Ibiki. The Sandaime had sat him down the day before, telling him that there would be a blindfolded ninja who, regardless of their teammate's answers or if they got disqualified, was to pass at all costs with little incident and hopefully without the removal of their blindfold. The Sandaime then proceeded to give him a long list (Ibiki counted 185 at _least_) of all the ways he would torture Ibiki if the rules weren't followed. Frankly, the man was very confused about it and was even more confused when it was revealed that it was the Kyuubi's Jinchuriki.

Sure, Jinchuriki were known across the board for being able to create a lot of chaos and destruction if angered enough, but the brat was just taking a goddamn test! What was that worst that could happen?

"H-hey, Naruto-kun. Do you n-need me to take off that blindf-"

"HOLY SHIT THERE'S A GHOST SITTING NEXT TO ME!"

Off went the blindfold.

* * *

"Kazekage-sama, how nice to see you." Sarutobi smiled sweetly at his fellow Kage who had just entered his office. The smile put the other man on edge.

"Hokage-sama." He nodded cautiously in return before taking a seat on theo other side of Sarutobi's desk. "As much as I enjoy our little talks, why was I summoned?"

"Oh…" Sarutobi's smile became a little forced. "To pay for damages of course."

"… Excuse me what? But, the Exams have just starte-"

"It would be correct that you have a Cookie Worshipper among the crowd of your Genin in the Chuunin Exams, correct?"

"Uh, yes? That would be my son Gaara."

Sarutobi laughed plastically. "Well, see. Whereas Log Worshippers, say, a certain fishcake, can get away from paying damage because of their origins in nature and not paying bills in the first place, Cookie Worshippers are more so based on money. Therefor, they and/or their villages are not exempt from paying the cost of their damages."

The Kazekage gaped. "But how?! Gaara couldn't possibl-"

"Well, when a certain fishcake felt that he had to destroy the exam room because of how much wood was placed in it, a certain Cookie Worshipper decided to join their ally in the destruction. Though, I'm honestly confused as to why Sasuke Uchiha joined in." More laughter that was oddly sounding more like sobs now. "Uchihas hate Logs."

The Kazekage was starting to think that the Sandaime had finally lost it. After a moment, the leader of Suna cautiously asked, "… Just… how much did they destroy?"

More laughing/sobbing came out of Sarutobi's mouth as he slid the paper with the list of damages and their cost to repair to the Kazekage. "Oh… just the examination room, six apartment buildings, and Konoha's rubber duck factory." A soft chuckle/whimper, "Such a shame with the last one for it has been all the rage with the citizens."

The Kazekage just stared as tears ran down Sarutobi's smiling face.

"They crave that rubber."


	20. Third Time: Chunin Exam Part Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: SasuNaru (a whole scene now *because of renewed enthusiasm*), Zabuza and Haku are alive and in Konoha, Gaara. Fucking up this arc is too much fun because there's so many plot points in canon that I can mess with my own insanity. I suck at describing clothes.
> 
> The Log.
> 
> The Cookie. (I'm not sorry.)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech." (This chapter is very dialogue heavy.)

_Haku was unimpressed. "You want me to hold a _ _leash_ _ that will hold Naruto back?"_

_The two simpering exam proctors were bowing on their faces on his and Zabuza's apartment floor. When they nodded, looking absolutely pitiful, Haku sighed. "I don't get why you wish for Naruto to hold back himself from seeking righteous retribution in the name of the Holy Log, but if it makes you stop ruining my carpet, so be it."_

* * *

**Next Day**

**Chuunin Exams Part 2**

"And that's how I came to be here." Haku dryly stated. Snorting, Naruto fingered the metal halter on his torso.

"Okay, but that doesn't explain _why_."

Sasuke stood next to Haku, eyeing the halter with disgust. Sakura was a little ways away from them. She was close enough to hear them, but far enough to be able to run out the way should anything go wrong. All of the group stood near their entrance to the next part of the test; the Forest of Death.

Haku shrugged. "Apparently, Sakura won't do shit and Sasuke would just encourage you- so as the more in control LW, I've been put in charge of you."

Sakura blinked, not understanding the situation. "… They do realize that you went on a rampage back in the Wave, right? Like, Naruto isn't the only reason there was so much damage."

"Yeah, well, the same ninja who came up with the fib that metal only hurts blue eyes are the same ninja who came to me so I highly doubt whatever common sense they _should_ have."

* * *

**Inside a Room in the Tower in the Middle of the Forest of Death**

Kakashi, Asume, Kurenai and Gai were relaxing in the lounge in the center of the Forbidden Forest. They had traveled there the day before so that they could (hopefully) greet their teams when they entered the tower over the course of the five days.

While Asuma and Kurenai expressed concern over their students first time in the Chuunin Exams (to which Gai was quick to appease), Kakashi seemed the least worried, making his fellow Jounin rather annoyed.

"You sure have a lot of faith in your team, Kakashi." Asuma started. He lit a cigar (and ignored Gai's disapproving gaze).

Kakashi snorted. "I have faith in Naruto's insanity."

Kurenai blinked owlishly at him. She had heard rumors, but she didn't put much stock in them. "What? Insane?"

"He's a Log Worshiper. Of all the things you could worship, he follows a lump of wood." Kakashi was getting trash talk game on. Gai looked bewildered by his words.

"What about the other two? Surely they are-"

"Sasuke is going to follow Naruto because it means he can destroy wood without getting punched. Sakura is just the unlucky sane man who gets pulled into their wacky mindsets. You don't understand what it's like dealing with them all."

Kurenai hmped angrily at his whining. "Hey now, you're not the only one with a strange ass team!"

The gray-haired man did nothing to suppress his snort of disbelief. "Oh really? Do enlighten me."

The genjutsu mistress narrowed her eyes at the challenge. "Well first of all, one of my students is _missing_. We're supposed to be a four man squad but the last person is never there!"

"Uh… what's their name? I'm sure I could ask my dad about them." Asuma inquired. Kurenai shook her head.

"That's the thing; their name doesn't even appear on paper. It's like they just never existed. And that doesn't help with Kiba."

Upon hearing the Inuzaka's name, Kakashi perked up. "Oh? Isn't that Tsume's youngest? I heard from her that he's a bit on the supernatural side."

"You got that right." Kurenai said. She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms. "He keeps talking about how there's a crazy person who controls what we do, think, or say. Apparently, this person is responsible for the missing teammate's… uh, non-appearance. Crazy huh?"

Kakashi put a hand to his chin in thought. "Okay. I concede, that is pretty bizarre. Iruka has a fantastic ass, by the way."

"…"

"…"

"… YOUTH."

"… okay then." Kurenai continued. "And my last one, Shino? One word. Flyswatters."

Her fellow teachers gave her a strange look, but didn't inquire further. They weren't entirely sure they wanted her to elaborate. Kakashi hummed before saying, "Your team is pretty weird, but I think mine is still the worse."

Ignoring the woman's huff, he turned to Asuma. "What about you? Any strange things you've encountered with your students?"

Having been put on the spot, said man coughed a few times on his cigarette before answering. "Not really unless you count Ino going through some sort of heavy metal phase and forcing the rest of us to join in bizarre."

"… That would explain the outfit." Kurenai commented as she eyed his clothing. Asuma was wearing a black crop top that was hidden underneath his green flak jacket. On his arms were black studded gloves that reached up to the middle of his arms. To finish off the outfit was black pants that finished inside black steel-toed boots.

Aasuma shrugged. "It's actually not uncomfortable. I mean, sure the chains that Ino gave to me to wear all over are heavy and all so I only wear those off missions. Overall, I feel great and a lot more mobile like this. Besides, Chouji and Shikamaru aren't complaining about it, so I think us a team is good."

The rest of them stared at him.

"… You do what you feel is best for you, Asuma-san." Gai finally said after a moment.

"… Right." Kakashi said, unconvincingly. 'It can't be a worse outfit than Gai's I suppose…?'

"What about you, Gai? Tell us about your team. It's only fair." Kakashi said, causing Kurenai and Asuma to turn to Gai with an expecting look.

Gai looked ecstatic to get his turn. "Well, Tenten is a lovely, youthful lady who loves weapons. She tried healing but she doesn't have the patience, unfortunately. Neji is a disciplined young man, though he does have his darker moments and Rock Lee, oh my wonderful youthful student, Lee! He's followed in my footsteps to be quite the fighter in the Taijustu department. I'm quite proud of them all."

When he was finished with his explanation, eh didn't have the time to stop himself from being bowled over by a hysteric Kakashi.

"_**WHY THE HELL IS YOUR TEAM NORMAL!?**_"

* * *

**Back with Our Favorite Quad**

"Hey, Sasuke! Before we go in, tell me another story." Naruto demanded, poking Sasuke in between his shoulders. Sakura and Haku were by the gates discussing why it's a bad idea for Haku to hug every tree they passed by, so he decided to take this time to talk with Sasuke. His facial expression of irritation didn't change when Sasuke jumped slightly and then slapped his hand away.

"I already told you a story."

"The promise was to tell me a story _whenever _I want. That means as many times as I want." Naruto retorted. His hand absently picked at the halter around his neck.

Sasuke frowned and finally turned to face Naruto. "What if I don't have a story?"

Naruto shrugged. "Make one up. You did it last time."

The Uchiha was about to argue back that Naruto himself had claimed the story was a bad one when he caught sight of the bruise that was starting to form around Naruto's neck. He reached out to the buckle, surprising Naruto with how close he got in a short time. "What the hell? How tight did they put that leash?"

He felt the blond fidget when his hands brushed too close to the bruise. "Too tight, the assholes. They probably wanted to make it impossible for me to escape."

Sasuke didn't answer, more focused on loosening the buckle so that it didn't end up choking Naruto in the end. It would be detrimental to their performance… or at least that's what Sasuke told himself. After a little bit of fumbling, the halter was finally hanging limply on Naruto's torso rather than clinging the life out of his chest. Satisfied, Sasuke took a few steps back to look at his handiwork when-

"…Naruto, you're blushing."

Naruto looked taken aback before hastily pointing a finger at the Uchihas face. "So what?! Besides, you're blushing too you bastard!"

Sasuke quickly turned his face around. "Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"ARE TOO!"

"Do you want your damn story or not!?"

"I DO BUT I CAN'T BRING MYSELF BACK DOWN TO NORMAL VOLUME SO I'M JUST GOING TO SHUT UP AND LET YOU TELL ME THE STORY."

Sakura and Haku had turned to their friends when they heard Naruto shout.

"What the fu-" Sakura tried to form a sentence but finally, "You know what. Fuck it. It's Naruto. I'm not questioning it for the sake of my sanity."

Haku gave her the thumbs up. "Good choice."

Back with Sasuke and Naruto, they had settled down enough for Sasuke to tell his latest story. Sasuke cleared his throat and began. "There once was a little boy who dreamed of vengeance. He got it. The end."

"…"

"…"

"Do you need a book on storytelling? Because I can ask Iruka if you can borrow it because you fucking suck at this Uchiha."

"Fuck y-"

_ **PHEEEEB!** _

With the sound of a whistle ranging clear in the air, all ninja entered through their respective gates into the Forest of Death.


	21. Third Time: Chuunin Exam Part Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:
> 
> Haku and Zabuza are alive and live in Konoha (I still don't get why I did this but I'm rolling with it)
> 
> Orochimaru of all people being weirded out
> 
> The Log
> 
> The Cookie (I will never be sorry for this)
> 
> As usual, whatever I skip ahead of in the story is usually the same as what happened in canon. I just didn't feel like writing it down because of redundancy.
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

They've been travelling deeper and deeper into the so-called 'Forest of Death' that Konoha seemed to pride itself on. It was only they were about a kilometer away from the center tower did Gaara signal them stop by holding a peanut butter cookie up.

Kankuro and Temari found a place on a branch just a little ways from Gaara's own branch that was above them. Despite them not being in the actual cult themselves, Gaara seemed to hold no bars against treating his siblings like his subordinates and even went as far as to require their presence at a couple meetings. 'It could be worse…' Kankuro inwardly thought. 'It means we aren't his enemy. And they always have the best milk and cookies.'

The youngest of the trio was looking down at them, absently munching the cookie all the while. Temari, as per usual, couldn't help but imagine that it was just her little brother was eating a cookie rather than an insane cult leader dedicated to baked dough thinking about the best way to kill their competition. However, Temari supposed she should let Gaara have his fun; he's been happier surrounded by Suna's crazy folk. In a really… bizarre, "let's destroy all those who oppose us" kind of happy… way.

Okay there's no way to properly justify what they do and Temari should really stop trying cause it doesn't work no matter what she does.

"Temari, pay attention. This is crucial." Oh yes – and she also wished that Gaara didn't speak to her using the same, stern and rough voice he'd use in his services. It tends to ruin the sweet picture of him she tries to paint in her head. Shaking her head, the blond looked dead on her little brother's chest.

"I'm listening." He cast a pitiful gaze at her that really didn't suit the face of a cult leader (for the last damn time, she is not going to worship cookies. Not even her brother's cute face can change that). Kankuro stood next to her, trying to figure out where Gaara was going with this speech. If it was anything like the meetings with his cult, it would involve some sort of violence.

"Uh huh." He turned away to stare at the tower. "As I was saying, Baku gave us an ulterior mission, but all the same I have allies that require aid."

'Allies…?' Temari furrowed her eyes. There were people who actually took Cookie Worshippers seriously enough to ally themselves with them? Who the actual fuck would do that?

Ignoring his older sister's confused thoughts, Gaara continued, marching in a weird manner up and down the branch. "I've already secured it with my allies that they have no qualms with the destruction of this village so they shall surely not interfere with the main mission. However-" Gaara turned on his heel to face them. "All the same, I wish for my allies to be with us through this entire experience. To do that, at least for the moment, we shall hunt down the other teams for their scrolls. The great Cookie God above will rain his rage down on all the disbelievers!" (1)

Kankuro was not surprised in the least.

Temari, however, mourned for her mind's innocent conjurations of a little brother with sanity.

* * *

Sasuke was going to go after Orochimaru. There was no doubt it. After all, it was because of the man and his snakes that the following happened:

Naruto had gotten separated from the group, resulting in Haku and Sakura (and to a lesser extent, himself) freaking and demanding to go after him thus-

Orochimaru, disguised as Naruto through jutsu, tried to meet with them, but didn't do it right (no way Naruto would remember such a poem if didn't involve trees) thus-

Revealed, Orochimaru and remaining members of the team fought it out for a while (with some difficulty at first… damn killing intent) which ended in watching the man… swallow his scroll thus-

All efforts went toward hitting the man in the gut to get him to throw up the scroll when Naruto (thankfully) reappeared jokingly chewing them out for messing up the placement of the trees leaves thus-

Orochimaru then used a large scale Kazekiri jutsu (Wind Cutting Technique)… which of course destroyed more than enough trees (as well as that godforsaken Log Naruto totes around) to meet the requirement for Naruto and Haku to freak the fuck out while making them all scatter in different directions thus-

Sasuke falling down due to being directly in the jutsu's range and saving himself from being flattened on the forest floor by using his ninja wire and getting himself entangled in a knotted mess- therefore:

Everything was Orochimaru's fault through a tangled web of events and Orochimaru's ass was his to burn.

* * *

Now, Orochimaru likes to think of himself as unique.

After all, your average ninja didn't turn themselves into a giant white snake composed of smaller white snakes in the pursuit of immortality. It takes a certain kind of special to do that and he's seen some special back home in Oto. Regardless, his personal mindset was that with such a feat accomplished, it'd be damn hard for anyone to come close to such an achievement.

Today, he stood corrected. Very much corrected.

He thought Sarutobi was fucking kidding about that Log Worshiping shit.

"So hold up…" Orochimaru pointed with his left hand between his right where he was holding a struggling Naruto by his throat and Haku who stood in a few branches away. "The both of you… actually worship_ Logs_?" Orochimaru's fake face was scrunched in absolute confusion. "Why in the hell would you do that?"

Sakura, who was left of Orochimaru with a kunai in her right hand, gave Orochimaru a blank stare. "Says the man who just admitted he's turned himself into a goddamn snake made out of snakes."

"Pot calling kettle black, much?" Sasuke's voice flitted from below them all.

Orochimaru blinked. "Did I say that out loud?"

"Yeaaaaffhhhh." Naruto's reply was a garbled mess… Oh yeah, Naruto's kind of being choked to dead. Haku quickly dashed down to the snake that was holding Orochimaru up with his needles in hand. Sakura, noticing Haku's assault, was swift to throw three exploding kunai as a cover for him. However, Orochimaru had already noticed Haku. Letting go of the blond to fall, the man directed his summon to violently veer to the left.

While up above, Sakura and Haku continued a combined assault at Orochimaru and his snake, Naruto continued to fall below. "Aaahh!"

Sasuke gritted his teeth and reached out his less restrained hand to catch Naruto by his metal halter, letting out a cry at the wire tightening around his body as Naruto's weight was added to his. "Shit!"

"Ughhh, so Sasuke…" Naruto coughed a little, his own restraining device digging into his chest. "What's hanging man?"

"I swear to fucking hell, as soon as I'm done with that asshat up there, your _ass_ is _grass_ for that."

Naruto tutted, debating in his head on whether or not Sasuke was serious about his threat. Ultimately, he decided to disregard it – in his current situation, Sasuke wasn't in much of a position to threaten him. "As long as my ass nurtures the Holy Log's offspring."

Sasuke stared at Naruto. Hard. "I will never understand you."

Naruto shrugged. "And I you. Need me to climb up from your arm?"

"That'd be helpful." Sasuke was inwardly singing praises as Naruto did just that and once settled on the many wires that hung around them, began to cut the ones around his body. Above him, he could hear Haku and Sakura shouting out attacks, growing more and more frustrated that Orochimaru was evading them so far. In no time, he was free from his bindings. He took a while to sigh with relief… before a manic smile crossed his face as he stared at the leftover wire. Sasuke held the wire up to Naruto, smile still in place.

Naruto wasn't sure if he should trust that smile. Or Sasuke's sanity. Or what was left of it anyway.

"Hey, idiot. How about we introduce Orochimaru to the wonders of _bondage_?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peanut Butter Cookie: The cookie of slowing, often used in battles to tell armies to calm themselves or to start backing away.


	22. April Fool's Special: The Tape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again this take places at an undetermined time in the future.
> 
> Features: SasuNaruSasu and FugakuxMinato (bear with me on this guys I'll make it worth I promise)

**!-Sometime after the events of the first April Fools' Special-!**

* * *

Naruto had a weird history with boxes.

There was that one box that Itachi had sent him filled with sleeping powder. That had been fun - waking up in a cave next to one of the most dangerous missing-nin only for the man to talk about how he needs to bone Sasuke.

There was also those weird people who keep sending him boxes filled with rubber ducks. They were _still_ running around calling him "Duck Lord". Stupid Kakashi refused to do something about it (something about "karma" from his genin years). Stupid Hokage.

And who could forget the infamous "dildo box"? Naruto had made sure that box suffered as much torture as it could handle before burning it for holding such a heinous creation.

This week, it seemed the weird box of the day was going to be a beaten cardboard box.

At first, he didn't expect much from the day. He had given his usual prayers to the Holy Log and gardened a bit while Sasuke complained that everyone should be sleeping at four in the morning. At around nine, Sasuke had gone out for some weird conspiracy club he'd recently joined. Bored, Naruto had decided that he might as well clean up their house before his boyfriend came back.

If there was one habit Naruto was not expecting out of Sasuke, it was his habit to leave shit _everywhere_. Now, Naruto was crap at cleaning at the best of times, but at least he dealt with his messes in a reasonable amount of time (Read: after two colonies of roaches have a civil war in the middle of his kitchen).

Sasuke? He left plates in the sink and counters, bed sheets and pillows thrown all over their room, and dirty clothes all over the floor (and somehow on the hedge outside their house - Naruto was still trying to figure that one out) months after Colony Cock and Colony Dick reached an agreement with each other.

Nevertheless, by the time he was done, there was still a good forty-five minutes until Sasuke came back. With nothing better to do, the blond headed up the storage area of the attic to snoop through some of the boxes up there. He had been curious ever since Sasuke had put those boxes up there from his family's house and Sasuke himself had shrugged when asked if he could look through them so Naruto took it as an okay.

The first couple boxes were filled with ornate jewelry (he assumed they belonged to Sasuke's mother), pictures of Sasuke and Itachi as little kids (both of which received a good amount of cooing and snickering at Sasuke's footie pajamas), and even a couple of faded love letters between Mikoto and Fugaku (he only read one or two before putting them down in respect).

By the time he was at the last box, Naruto was feeling very melancholic. For a bunch of heretics who were fascinated with burning Logs, Mikoto and Fugaku seemed so loving and happy towards their family life.

On the side of the last box, the characters for the words "best memories" scribbled in a handwriting Naruto's come to see as the late Fugaku's. Based on the the name, Naruto assumed that the box would be filled with pictures and small momentos. He wasn't wrong.

For a while, he was pulling out more photographs. Some were wedding pictures of not only Fugaku and Mikoto, but of a pair of people that Naruto guessed were Fugaku's parents. Others were baby pictures (once again, coos were heard throughout the attic). Near the bottom of the box, he found letters that seemed to be addressed from... Minato Namikaze.

At seeing his own father's handwriting, Naruto couldn't help but feel surprised. Were his father friends with Fugaku similarly to how his mother was friends with Mikoto? He didn't see it as far-fetched, he could assume that Kushina and Mikoto would drag their husbands along on their get togethers and of course the two men would interact here and there from living in the same village and all. However, as he read a letter with is father assuring Fugaku that Mikoto will love to marry him, he was starting to get the feeling that perhaps they were friends before either of them married.

The blond didn't read all of the letters, rather deciding to save them to share with Sasuke. It'd be a nice bonding moment for them. Since he was going to save those letters for later, he began the task of cleaning out the box to see if there was anything else in there when his fingers scraped across something rough. Surprised, Naruto pulled his fingers back to look over them. 'What was that?'

Since he wasn't hurt and nothing seemed to rub off on his fingers, Naruto deemed it safe to just point blank reach in the box and grab out whatever his fingers had brushed up against. Naruto blinked a couple of times at the item he now held in his hands; it was a VCR tape.

'Is it a wedding video?' Naruto doubted it could be anything else. After all, a wedding video could be placed in a box labeled 'best memories', right?

* * *

It was with a worn-out sigh that Sasuke walked through the door with. He really needed Naruto to cuddle him so he could forget the fuckery he had just came back from.

The Rubber Ducks club that he was currently investigating was proving to be crazier than he had thought when Kakashi had first handed him the mission. Originally, the lazy man had given him the mission saying "you not only _deal_ with Naruto on a daily basis, but you two are in a _relationship_ with each other. And somehow you have _not_ strangled him. This investigation was fucking made for you".

Sasuke neglected to tell the man that the main reason Naruto and he were able to move beyond their conflicting ideologies was because of a pseudo-agreement made after their first Chunin Exams. Regardless, he hadn't thought the mission would drain on him. He was not expecting to be staring at a blown-up picture of said boyfriend looking confused at a rubber duck while some strange spokesman proclaims about the "prophetic Lord Duck".

Left eye twitching at remembering the speech, Sasuke quickly wrote in black marker on his left forearm, 'kick stupid man's ass'. Whether the stupid man was the spokesman or Kakashi, he'll leave that up to his future self to decide.

Just as he was finished writing the last needed character for the note, Sasuke looked up to see Naruto's silhouette on the couch in front of their blinking tv screen. He could see that there was a pile of papers next to the blond. He blinked at them. The atmosphere felt rather unsettled... has Naruto been watching those ghost movies again?

"Dobe?" He called out, an eyebrow raised as he walked around the couch to face his boyfriend. Naruto certainly looked like he had seen a ghost movie; the pallid complexion and the 'oh shit' expression was very reminiscent of Naruto's behavior when they watched such movies (except for the part where Naruto was practically ripping his arm out of its socket). Feeling even more weirded out that Naruto hasn't answered him yet, he called out again.

"Dobe? Naruto...?"

"They had sex."

...

Sasuke gave him a strange look. "What? _Who_ had sex?"

By goodness, he hoped Naruto hadn't walked in on Neji and Ino... again.

"Our parents... they had sex..."

"... Naruto. _We_ have sex. Sakura and Lee have sex. Fucking _Gaara _had sex, goodness forbid that man ever be laid ever again. It's not that big of a de-"

Naruto shook his head and turned his face from the tv screen to face Sasuke. "You don't understand. Our _parents_ had _sex_."

By this time, Sasuke was sure Naruto had come across something weird. He looked at the letters and wondered if they were the cause but after a while he found it pointless to consider them. It had to be the tv.

Sasuke turned to it and moved to press the button of their blinking player. Almost immediately, the screen turned black as the video tape inside the player reloaded.

Behind him, he could've sworn he heard Naruto whisper, "You make terrible life choices, Sasuke."

Unable to resist the urge to retort, Sasuke said over his shoulder, "Says the one who worships godforsaken logs."

"Fuck you man." Naruto then shook his head and gained a truly unsettled expression. "You know what, never mind the 'fuck you'. I don't think we'll have sex for like a month or _three_. Holy fuck I need brain bleach..."

_Now_ Sasuke was _really _curious. What the hell did Naruto watch?

A moment later, his answer was given as the video started. The video itself was fuzzy for a while and he could've sworn he heard drunken giggling in the distance. Whoever was shooting held the camera behind a corner leading into a hallway.

In said hallway was his father and an older version of Naruto that he could only assume was Naruto's dad.

And they were both almost butt naked (save for Naruto's father's pants and his own father's underwear).

And giving each other lopsided smiles, flushed cheeks, and giggling with no sense as if they were drunk.

...

_Our parents had sex._

Naruto's words suddenly dawned on Sasuke and almost instantly he wanted to slap his palm across his face. Naruto's dad and his dad... had drunken sex. What the actual-

_"Baby, I bets you wants to know why they call **me** the Yellow Flash."_

"What the fucking fuuuuuck?" Sasuke was going to pretend Fugaku didn't flash Naruto's father a sly smile.

_"Maybe I do? What are you going to do about it?" _Naruto's father smirked and proceeded to... strip dance.

"... He didn't just-"

Behind him, Naruto made a small snort. "He did."

* * *

It took a month before they had done something about the tape, simply because they felt the tape had some sort of warding spell on them to prevent them from even touching the video player. When they did, not only was the tape destroyed, but the player, and the tv. And that was only after reading yet another letter from one of the "safe" boxes upstairs from Kushina to Mikoto about the tape.

Apparently, as celebration of Minato's elevated status to Hokage, Fugaku had organized a party in which he, Minato, and many other participants had gotten heavily drunk. Minato and Fugaku, having already had sexual relations out of experimentation in their mid-teens, had seemed to find it fitting to have sex in one of the hallways of the Hokage Tower. Mikoto, who had been looking through the archives for background information on her upcoming mission, had found them and proceeded to take a camera from the security to record almost the entire thing.

Afterwards, she had shared it with Kushina and they both had a hearty laugh over the developed footage before making two copies total for them both to keep. Both men had apologized profusely for the event, but the women had waved it off with a warning to not get so drunk that they still think they're in their experimentation phase.

It sent shudders down both Naruto and Sasuke's spine that there was another copy out in the world. Hopefully, no one seems to have been able to find Kushina's copy.

* * *

**In Tsuchi no Kuni**

_"Baby, I bets you wants to know why they call **me** the Yellow Flash."_

Snickers ran rampant throughout the room as the video played in a worn down player. The owner of the laughter was one Itachi Uchiha, having come back to life through sheer force of will back when he needed to give his little brother a few choice words.

Sure his skin was cracked and his senses were dulled greatly, but he didn't need that to be able to enjoy this video. He had found it while reporting to the Sandaime and had popped it into the current Akatsuki hideout video player out of curiosity (all the other members were milling about aimlessly behind him as they were recharging after sealing away the Nanabi). Nothing could top the fucking _horrified squeak_ Nagato had made when he heard that infamous line. Tears came out of Itachi's eyes just remembering the rest of their reactions to this tape. Deidara had practically fainted from laughter at Iwa's old significant threat acting in such a way; Hidan had actually shut the fuck up to stare blankly at the screen; even Konan was struck speechless.

Before long, not only was it a favorite past time to watch the video when all together, but Kakuzu had started an underground market selling copied versions. It was all the rage in Iwa.


	23. Third Time: Chuunin Exam Part Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:
> 
> Haku and Zabuza are alive and live in Konoha (so far, this is the least craziest thing)
> 
> The Log
> 
> The Cookie (I want one)
> 
> Bondage (I am forever sorry to Orochimaru)
> 
> 'Thoughts.'
> 
> "Speech."

Recap:

_Above him, he could hear Haku and Sakura shouting out attacks, growing more and more frustrated that Orochimaru was evading them so far. In no time, he was free from his bindings. He took a while to sigh with relief… before a manic smile crossed his face as he stared at the leftover wire. Sasuke held the wire up to Naruto, smile still in place._

_Naruto wasn't sure if he should trust that smile. Or Sasuke's sanity. Or what was left of it anyway._

"_Hey, idiot. How about we introduce Orochimaru to the wonders of bondage?"_

…

***Disclaimer: I'd like to disclaim anything done to one Orochimaru so I can continue this story without giving a shit towards him like I usually do. Carry on.**

Naruto wasn't sure if he should answer that. Hell, he wasn't sure if it was okay to be sitting so close to Sasuke at the moment. It looked very well like the other was about to lay upon a barrage of fire on top of his... ideas of bondage to anyone in the vicinity.

'Maybe if I nod, he'll go away.' And so, Naruto nodded. He instantly regretted it when the most wildest of smiles stretched across Sasuke's face. His bad feelings got worse when he saw Sasuke pull out some objects from one of his waistbags.'Bad choice! Bad choice! Abort mission! Abort Chuunin Exam! Abort this entire village! _It's going to blow!_'

Outwardly, he tried his best to keep a straight face while aiming two finger guns at Sasuke. "Imma just leave you to it."

Before Sasuke could say anything, Naruto ran his ass as far up in the trees as fast as possible. Once he was settled on a branch near the treetops, he made sure he had a good visual of the area below. Hey, just because he wanted nothing to do with the actual thing doesn't mean he didn't watch the show. He had a bone to pick with Orochimaru just as much as Sasuke did. It also wouldn't do well for him as a teammate to just leave Sasuke without moral support of course.

Of course.

Sakura was the one to notice him first just as she recovered from being pushed into a tree. At first she wondered what her weird teammate was planning now, but a chance glance downwards told her that perhaps said teammate had the right idea. She quickly ran to join the blond in the trees. Haku, who had been fighting tooth and nail against Orochimaru almost didn't notice until too late. He had just managed to wedge the man and his snake in between two trees. He at first thought it was just good teammwork that allowed Sasuke's ninja wire to ensare the man quite tightly.

He soon knew better and honestly he didn't know which to be more afraid of. The smile on Sasuke's face (despite holding the ninja wire with his teeth – Haku couldn't help but flinch at the pain he believed Sasuke must have in his mouth), or the fact that the last Uchiha's hands were filled with explosives.

Ultimately, he decided it didn't matter which one was scarier. What mattered was that he should start running for the hills or face the burning pain of some colorful fireworks. And so, Haku ran his ass to the safety area Naruto and Sakura had secluded themselves in.

Orochimaru was not so lucky.

* * *

_'[Cause Baby You're a Firework!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw)_

* * *

**Back in the Tower**

Kakashi, long since restrained by his fellow jounins and was now nursing a cup of aged sake, was not prepared for Hirzuen to slam the door of the room open.

He and his fellow jounin were mildly flustered, between trying to give a respectful greeting and hide the sake bottles, they surely weren't making a good impression to their leader. But Hirzuen didn't care about that. In fact, he would've very much liked a cup (or maybe a couple bottles) of said sake, because he really didn't want to have this conversation.

"Kakashi."

The man coughed into his fist nervously before addressing his superior. "Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"Can you please explain to me how in the goddamn world did Sasuke Uchiha sneak in illegal fireworks from the fucking Land of Flames into the Forest of Death?"

Kakashi didn't answer.

Instead, Kakashi pulled out the sake bottle from behind his back and drank the entire thing right in front of everyone. No one stopped him when he grabbed another bottle from Kurenai's back and started drinking from that, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This
> 
> was a wild ass fucking ride to relive.


End file.
